Sarah Palin tried to ban books because she is the Chupacabra.

In the acclaimed documentary 30 Days of Night, vampires cross the Bering Strait into Alaska to take advantage of the polar winter’s month of darkness. Some claim that this stirring portrayal of Josh Hartnett’s struggle to save his tiny town from blood-sucking bare-breasted cannibal women leaves key questions unanswered. Why wouldn’t the vampires just settle in Siberia, which is also dark during the winter months, and is much closer to whichever Slavic or Central Asian country they originated in, judging by their epicanthic folds and Klingon-like language of grunts? In fact, they would have had to pass through Siberia to get to Alaska…you’d think at least one of them would have said (lisping through his prominent teeth): “Let’th thtay here! Thereth plenty of fat Northernerth for uth to feed on!”

The answer, of course, is that Russia isn’t ruled by vampires. It’s ruled by werewolves. And, as everyone who saw the brilliant 2003 documentary Underworld knows, vampires and werewolves have been at war for millennia. So the vampires fled to Alaska, where Sarah Palin (or Mallorc LaBotnik, as she is known in the Old Language) had insinuated herself into the Mayoral office of a small town full of redneck drug addicts. She kept an eye on Russia from her house, sustaining herself on goats and chickens to avoid arousing suspicion, all while doing everything in her power to prepare Wasilla (thinly disguised as “Barrow” in the film, no doubt to protect the innocent) for the coming tide of loathsome reanimated corpses. Thus, the “rhetorical” book-banning conversation between Palin and the Wasilla Public Librarian:

Sarah Palin: Hey, Marian Librarian, nice frock. Can I ask you a completely hypothetical question? Suppose that a goat-killing vampire became the mayor of a small Alaskan town. Could that person then ban books relating to vampirism and witchcraft, in order to render the town defenseless when the undead invaded from Russia?

Marian Librarian: Well, no. That would be a gross abuse of power, and would violate the first amendment, and I would use all of my resources to resist any attempt at book banning.

SP: Resources? You mean like silver bullets and garlic?

ML: I mean like an injunction from the city council.

SP: Oh, right. Well, it’s been nice having this 100 % rhetorical conversation with you. By the way you’re fired.

ML: Why are you making gurgling noises in the back of your throat?

SP: It’s nothing.

Once the vampires had safely made away with Wasilla (now nothing more than the smoking, charred, blood-spattered shell of a town, as 30 Days of Night so powerfully illustrates), Palin moved on to bigger things—the governorship, the republican nomination. We’ve seen this pattern before: I’m sure I don’t have to remind you which influential republican was governor of Texas when Quentin Tarantino filmed the tour-de-force documentary From Dusk Till Dawn. Why does Bush fake a Texan accent? Because his real voice sounds like Bela Lugosi.