Asian Community Center to be Built Adjacent to Uris Library
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This entry was originally posted on April 1st as an April Fools’ Day joke. An apology was issued one week later and the post removed in response to a large amount of negative feedback, but it was, as I explain in this later piece published in an campus political publication, a sorry excuse for a real apology. As part of owning up to my mistakes in a more sincere way, I have reposted the offending piece in full and will be publishing a “meta-apology” in the Daily Sun sometime next week. Please be aware that comments will still be moderated, and unnecessarily hateful or poorly thought-out responses will be rejected.
President David Skorton announced the plans for the construction of an Asian Community Center at a midday press conference today. The building is to be located directly adjacent to Uris Library on the Clocktower Side, and will be designed by the famous architect I. M. Pei.
“I believe that this building will dramatically reduce the amount of Asian suicides at Cornell,” Skorton announced. “We also plan to fill in the gorges with those chewy bubble tea orbs so that distraught students will have to rely on other methods.”
Among the center’s many features are the Pokemon Card Trading Arena, the Mi-So Slipi Lounge equipped with 100 beds for study break naps, and one-seater dining areas with calculators built into the tables. Many students are most excited, however, about the center’s Lucky Sun Moon Restaurant, which features MSG, beef with broccoli, and cat-fish casserole, which incorporates not catfish but a mixture of cat and flounder.
“Our plans were substantially modified after meeting with the Asian and Asian-American community,” said architect I. M. Pei. “The original plans called for an underground parking lot, but it was scrapped based on the projected amount of parking mishaps. That was something I did not foresee, perhaps because of my squinty eyes.”
Most Asian students jumped for joy upon hearing the news. Student Mi-So Honee remarked, “Is so close to libelly!”
Other students were appreciative that the name was changed from the Little Rice Room Place. “Besides being a sirry name, I couldn’t rearry pronounce arr those R and Ls,” said Henry Joon-Kimyung-Jook.
ED’S NOTE: I’m not really this lacist… but then, again maybe everyone is:
Tags: A3C, april fools' day
