cornellWATCH

If you haven’t already, go check out “My Night with Jenna B.” It’s written by this dude who totally banged Jenna B and apparently she totally pulled the downward-head-push on HIM and she totally was only a 5.75 outta 10 in the BJ department….

But we want to know: who is the author, the so-called “Cunnilingus Cowboy”? The Sun provides these little hints at the bottom of the story:

The ‘Cunnilingus Cowboy’ is a senior. The Sun granted him pseudonymity to protect his identity, but has verified, to the best of its ability, the facts of the article. The article is printed with Jenna B.’s permission.

Pseudonymity? Fuck that shit. We faithful readers want answers.

After the break: a poorly thought out theories of mine as to who this disrespec’in’ cowboy is.

Possible Bachelor: Mark Coombs

Because his whole journalistic identity can be summed up as: I’m-such-a-Southern-Republican-that-this-unseasonably-large-cowboy-hat-is-permanently-glued-to-my-head. Mark also says “y’all” a lot. Mark writes choppy sentences that make him sound like you’re back in the good old days when everything was simple and colloquial. Here’s a little sample of his Southern hospitality:

Whoa, whoa, whoa — wait a minute. We’ve been back for two weeks and I haven’t once dropped by the Opinion section to give you even the tiniest tip of the Stetson yet?

Well.

Aren’t I the rude one.

Let me start February off right, then, by forgoing a tip and taking my hat off to you entirely.

I have, after all, been slanting the same sombrero in your direction for almost two years; that you want to keep me around for long enough to make that a whole two years surely deserves a little more than the standard salutation.

Marky Mark may have disguised his choppy sentences by leaving out the adorable paragraph breaks that so defined his Texan accent, but there may be some traces:

I got a drink and went over for the obligatory greeting plus boob graze, and we were off to the races. She started regaling me about some book she’s gonna write and slugged back another double V&S in about 3.8 flat. I thought to myself “now’s as good a time as any.” We left.

The walk home was an exercise in personal strength and agility. I had to try to balance my own drunk ass, along with hers, while she tried to rip down her third cigarette over the course of about 20 minutes. Danger.

So after nearly getting stabbed in the face with her Marb Ultra Light and dragged to the sidewalk because her heel broke, we made it to her bedroom (I’m guessing this is where one finds the notorious “Bedroom Eyes,” but no such luck). She said something odd to one of her roommates and the bedroom door sealed us in.

Blah, blah, blah, undressing, kissing, slightly ripped undershirt.

The first two paragraphs end with those short conversational flourishes that Mark seems to usually break off into its own paragraphy. The third one’s flourish is separated off like his usual syntax.

Before I overanalyze anymore, let’s just say Coomb’s Facebook profile pretty much pronounces this theory dead on arrival: his “Conservative,” “Southern Baptist” personage is dating a UMiami co-ed who seems to be his high school sweetheart. Besides, he’s a sworn “Huckabeliever.” Would he really cruise a one-night stand in ‘Rullies’? I faintly recall there’s something in the Bible against that….

Thoughts on who our real Slim Shady is? Email us at watch@kitschmag.com.

Tags: Daily Sun, Jenna B

This entry was posted on Monday, April 28th, 2008 at 9:32 pm and is filed under opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.