Welcome Back Crunknellians: Some Newsbits
Since everybody’s getting back into town, welcome to Ithaca! Here’s what’s going on:
1) Suspension Bridge Gorge Closed Off: That’s right, they’ve fenced off the path down to the best sun-bathing gorge in all of Ithaca! Because, three officers ”valiantly” standing guard told me, two people had drowned in the gorge already this summer. [Update: Only one student, Doug Lowe '11, died while swimming the gorges this summer.] Luckily, some criminally mischievous pranksters have already committed rebellious actions against the nameless administrative power who perpetrated this stainless steel stain upon our beauteous gorge. At least the heinous Big Red Arches had some (empty) ideal to aspire to… all these assemblages of metal remind me of is a fascist lockdown.
2) IthPo Hate On College Parties: Nothing new here, but it seemed to me that the Ithaca Police Department was out in especially full force last night, trying to make sure overeager freshmen didn’t get overintoxicated and overstay their welcome in Collegetown. This would be one of those totally anecdotal trend stories, sort of like the ones Newsweek and Time run, but then I checked the IthPo police logs: so many noise complaints! (Comparable to past years, though? You do the research; I’m too lazy.)
3) New Student Orientationizing Commences! There’s all sorts of EXCITING, EXCITING events going on in “The Orientation Files.” Like the Swim Test and Alcohol Education and Advanced Placement Exams! But don’t tell anyone we told you… they’re all TOP SECRET. Unless of course you manage to stumble upon one of the precious few thousands that were printed. Luckily for you, we managed to spider-crawl through some red and green laser sensors and got our hands on this copy of the freshman guide. And in case you thought those programs didn’t do shit for the new freshies, the Daily Sun did some stellar, hard-hitting reporting and discovered that the program is designed to help students adapt to life at Cornell. Make sure you mention this as you nudge the person who fell asleep next to you in Tapestry of Possibilities: Diversity at Cornell.
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