CornellWatch

Whenever somebody dresses up in your clothes and acts like you, you’re supposed to say some shit along the lines of “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Unfortunately for those of us who speak solely in adage, this response doesn’t work as well as it should for the recent depictions of Cornell in the media at large. First, there’s Ivy, a new “realitydramacomedy” produced by Ithaca College’s student-run television station that follows the overdramatic foibles of six (stereo)typical Cornell students. It’s kind of like Gossip Girl, but with less attractive, more poorly trained (if you can believe it) actors.  And then there’s the Oct. 30 episode of The Office, which featured (lovable?) loser Dwight Schrute as a hopeful Cornell applicant — much to the chagrin of douchebag “alum” Andy Bernard. Some might say that these portrayals are infuriatingly inaccurate, but, again, those of us committed to aphorisms will have to shake our heads and say: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Look through this list of nine Cornell Caricatures, and learn to love your stereotype:

1) The A Cappell’A-Hole: Since the start of The Office’s 5-season run, former “Here Comes Treble” member Andy Bernard has continually been vilified for invoking his Cornell education as a sign of his superiority over his less prestigiously educated co-workers. But hey: what 8 to 12 close friends do you plan on getting together with and TOTALLY OWNING at Ruloff’s Monday Karaoke?

2) The Prissy Bitch: Ivy producer Ed Pietzak calls Emily “the one pretentious girl who causes all the drama.” Without her, the show wouldn’t go on! And there’s really nothing wrong with being a manipulative gold-digger who calls art majors “weird” and only likes her boyfriend because she thinks he’s going to be a rich doctor anyway. Someday, she’s gonna be on Real Housewives of New York while you sit in your janky cubicle and curse the day your underpaid ass declared the philosophy major.

3) The Overprivileged Frat-tard: Legacies, take note: Your father may not necessarily be the “CEO of a moderately well-known Fortune 500 company” like Lex’s over here, but not to worry: nobody judges in your fraternity… unless, of course, he’s presiding over whether Theta or Kappa has bigger sluts. Yeah, you might find such a debate “sexist,” but healthy banter unifies old money and new money alike — ain’t brotherhood sweet, man?

4) The Unfortunate Aggie: While we never do find out where (or if) Dwight Kurt Schrute III went to school, we figure the proprietor of the “number one beet-related agrotourism destination in Northeastern Pennsylvania” would have been right at home in the Ag School. If you’re still doubtful, know that Dwight is well-informed on CALS’ history: “Without [Cornell's] agricultural program we probably wouldn’t have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.” If people call you a backwoods hick, let them know you attended the school that produced the best coleslaw you’ve ever tasted.

5) The North Face and Uggs Ho: When confronted with the hard reality that other brands of winter wear exist, Amanda has the courage to insist that “these are the brands that everyone wears, so that means they’re the best.” Don’t be a pussy and tell your friends that, yes, they’re ugly and unfashionable BUT SO SO COMFORTABLE. Do Long Island proud by standing firmly in solidarity concerning the superiority of the North Face and Uggs, and, while you’re lookin’ fine with your new super-soft bunny fleece and your bitchin’ new baby seal-skin galoshes, why not get laid?

6)  The Pretentious Foreigner: If you’re from a different country, people have to like you, no matter how much of a elitist prick you are! Because you’re a novelty! Take “international student” Keith: despite being a complete idiot (he mispronounces “infamous” and reacts to correction with a BS etymology), Keith  seems to have friends who put up with him. And his fake accent sucks, so if you’ve got a real-life one: think of the heights of superiority you could reach!

7) The Artsy-Fartsy Kid: Natalie just transferred to Cornell’s art program. Nats is the voice of reason among a storm of self-absorbed Cornellians: she’s the one who corrects Keith about the pronunciation of “infamous,” questions Amanda’s brand fascism, and gives Lex exasperated looks. You, like Natalie, might be living at home after you graduate. But at least for now you have super-cute bangs.

8 ) The Lost Soul: At lunch with his girlfriend, Chris can’t summon up the balls to tell his girlfriend (Prissy Bitch Emily) something important that’s been on his mind. After she abruptly departs (leaving him to foot the bill), Chris addresses the camera in a dramatic soliloquy: “There was something I wanted to tell you. I don’t want to be a doctor anymore.” (Vom.) Chris is the character we’re supposed to like: sensitive (he almost took an art class once!), caring (he loves his girlfriend even after his friends point out that she’s a jealous bitch), and cute (in a goofy way). Unfortunately, nothing good can be said if you indentify as the Lost Soul: you are a push-over and, unfortunately, need to sprout a pair. We can only hope that Ivy will have Chris follow this path by ditching Emily (hopefully on his own accord and not because she banged Lex or Keith) and banging Natalie in the art studio. Then he’ll be the Awesome Guy Who’s Kind of a Pimp but That Everybody Still Loves.

Tags: how to..., ICTV, ithaca college, ithe office, ivy

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 23rd, 2008 at 11:24 pm by D. Evan Mulvihill and is filed under how to.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.