Archive for the ‘a cautionary tale’ Category

D-Skortz Offers Economy-Fucked Seniors Champagne, Platitudes

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Prez D-Skortz on LSD.
Prez D-Skortz on LSD.
Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). Read the rest of this entry »

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Daily Sun a Shining, Gleaming Beacon of Objectivity

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.
An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.
If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”

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Xanax: Now Available at the Libraries?

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

A Google search of
A Google search of
Have you ever had the passing notion that Cornell University might secretly be a front of a giant drug operation? That Big Red might be in cahoots with Big Pharma? Well, a tipster sent on an interesting little Google search (at left) this morning that seems to confirm all of our worst fears. Although it might be pretty sweet to be able to have those magical anxiety-dissolving pills of Xanax to lull cracked-out midnight oil-burners to sleep. Not satisfied, I investigated the fishy matter on library.cornell.edu further by — of course — searching “Xanax” in their little engine of their own.

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And I’m Back! To Being a Horrible Person, Of Course

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Just got back to campus yesterday after my first ever “party” Spring Break, which was pretty effing fantastic. What happened over the Break? Not much, really — Cornell lost to Mizzou in the first round of March Madness, Madoff’s Ponzi scheme-abetting accountant ‘81 got arrested, and, more importantly, “a devastating infestation of wooly adelgids is currently invading the University’s hemlock trees.” Most importantly, a curious new flyer has popped up all over Goldwin Smith, and I’m kind of in love with it. And, since I’m a horrible person and I mock things that I love, I drew with my bitchin’ new Crayola markers (recommended by teachers!) all the fuck over it. It’s all about a Freshman who’s lookin’ for ROCK STARS who are teh chillness. R U THE 1? Click on to see it!

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A Cautionary Tale: Spying on the Unchristian Linden Ave “Crack House”

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

The infamous Linden Ave “crack house.”
The infamous Linden Ave “crack house.”
With a little investigative work of my own, I located the infamous Linden Ave “crack house” of Daily Sun fame — the one that got raided by a busful of 10 heroin-seeking SWAT guys last Sunday night. Cam-phone in hand, I approached what I hoped to be a cesspool of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness. As I steadied my trigger finger, I was pleasantly surprised to note that the “drug den” in question looked like most other shitty slumlord-owned basement apartments in Collegetown — random crap littered about, musty blankets stuffed against the window so as to shield passers-by from inside activities, paint chipping off a poor excuse for “siding.” So much for a cautionary tale… or was it?

Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!

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