CornellWatch

A rare pair of clothed celebrators. Photo by M. Fleury

At 12:15 AM, Collegetown erupted in celebration as a result of President Obama’s 11:35 PM official announcement that Osama bin Laden had been killed. One can assume that the delay was due to the rioters’ dearth of American flags, though a representative from Wal-Mart confirmed that the Ithaca location had not sold “any more than usual.”

Various shirtless young men were still parading around Collegetown as late as 1 AM, undeterred by the closure of Rulloff’s and Johnny O’s. Said Todd French ‘12, who was sporting an American flag tied around his neck, “It’s really important that we’re out here, you know, celebrating America.” His companion, Rob Greenwald ‘10, added, “I was gonna stay inside, but this is like…a historic moment here. So I felt drawn to it.”

Several were arrested on the grounds of drunk and disorderly conduct. As pickup trucks with boxer-clad, flag-waving men drove by, honking madly, bottle rockets exploded and groups urged passers-by to join them in singing the national anthem. One young man, asked how his shouting, “America! Fuck yeah!” would help the troops, screamed, “I AM THE TROOPS!” Then he ran into the night, presumably to join the “rager” in the 300 block of College Ave.

Hitler reacts to the announcement that Nelly is coming to Slope Day instead of Justin Bieber. Don’t worry, Adolf, with the money that Cornell’s charging in the tuition hikes, maybe next year we can afford Rebecca Black.

Points off for the forcible touching dig, but otherwise, this was friggin’ hilarious. Nice work, “BigRedBearz.”

Death by delivery man

Word on the street is that a Taste of Thai delivery man grew so incensed by finals week zombie-eyed narcissism (i.e., no tips) that he gave Olin Library a little something to remember him by.

As a barista at Libe, I can’t blame the guy.  Finals week makes people  assholes.

Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). Read the rest of this entry »

An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.

If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”

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Have you ever had the passing notion that Cornell University might secretly be a front of a giant drug operation? That Big Red might be in cahoots with Big Pharma? Well, a tipster sent on an interesting little Google search (at left) this morning that seems to confirm all of our worst fears. Although it might be pretty sweet to be able to have those magical anxiety-dissolving pills of Xanax to lull cracked-out midnight oil-burners to sleep. Not satisfied, I investigated the fishy matter on library.cornell.edu further by — of course — searching “Xanax” in their little engine of their own.

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Just got back to campus yesterday after my first ever “party” Spring Break, which was pretty effing fantastic. What happened over the Break? Not much, really — Cornell lost to Mizzou in the first round of March Madness, Madoff’s Ponzi scheme-abetting accountant ‘81 got arrested, and, more importantly, “a devastating infestation of wooly adelgids is currently invading the University’s hemlock trees.” Most importantly, a curious new flyer has popped up all over Goldwin Smith, and I’m kind of in love with it. And, since I’m a horrible person and I mock things that I love, I drew with my bitchin’ new Crayola markers (recommended by teachers!) all the fuck over it. It’s all about a Freshman who’s lookin’ for ROCK STARS who are teh chillness. R U THE 1? Click on to see it!

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With a little investigative work of my own, I located the infamous Linden Ave “crack house” of Daily Sun fame — the one that got raided by a busful of 10 heroin-seeking SWAT guys last Sunday night. Cam-phone in hand, I approached what I hoped to be a cesspool of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness. As I steadied my trigger finger, I was pleasantly surprised to note that the “drug den” in question looked like most other shitty slumlord-owned basement apartments in Collegetown — random crap littered about, musty blankets stuffed against the window so as to shield passers-by from inside activities, paint chipping off a poor excuse for “siding.” So much for a cautionary tale… or was it?

Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!

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