A rare pair of clothed celebrators. Photo by M. Fleury

At 12:15 AM, Collegetown erupted in celebration as a result of President Obama’s 11:35 PM official announcement that Osama bin Laden had been killed. One can assume that the delay was due to the rioters’ dearth of American flags, though a representative from Wal-Mart confirmed that the Ithaca location had not sold “any more than usual.”

Various shirtless young men were still parading around Collegetown as late as 1 AM, undeterred by the closure of Rulloff’s and Johnny O’s. Said Todd French ‘12, who was sporting an American flag tied around his neck, “It’s really important that we’re out here, you know, celebrating America.” His companion, Rob Greenwald ‘10, added, “I was gonna stay inside, but this is like…a historic moment here. So I felt drawn to it.”

Several were arrested on the grounds of drunk and disorderly conduct. As pickup trucks with boxer-clad, flag-waving men drove by, honking madly, bottle rockets exploded and groups urged passers-by to join them in singing the national anthem. One young man, asked how his shouting, “America! Fuck yeah!” would help the troops, screamed, “I AM THE TROOPS!” Then he ran into the night, presumably to join the “rager” in the 300 block of College Ave.

Points off for the forcible touching dig, but otherwise, this was friggin’ hilarious. Nice work, “BigRedBearz.”

Death by delivery man

Word on the street is that a Taste of Thai delivery man grew so incensed by finals week zombie-eyed narcissism (i.e., no tips) that he gave Olin Library a little something to remember him by.

As a barista at Libe, I can’t blame the guy.  Finals week makes people  assholes.

Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). And, although Skorton was both drily eloquent and soberly charming when my senior self spoke with him, he didn’t seem to have much to offer in the way of practical advice for seniors who have been fucked in the ass by a shitty job market, one that’s moreover flooded with recent laid-off bitches who are considerably more “senior” than us. “You’ll land on your feet,” he told us right before we toasted the Class of ‘09 with our recently bought $5 champagne glasses. We’ll be fine. Just fine! Right. D-Skortz had earlier told me that I still ought to consider newspapers. (Yawn.) And to talk to University spokesman Tommy Bruce, who I already know. “I often speak fairly unfavorably about the University administration,” I told him. In other words: What’s a brash blogger to do in these days? Skorton said that even critics can get jobs. You know, talking to Tommy might actually be a good option. Damn you and your good sense, D-Skortz. Maybe I will land on my feet. Also: good luck, Class of ‘09. Srsly.

An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.

If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”

Except it only quotes one of the Misfortunate Twenty-Five, whose bitter dejected/rejected ass obviously whines about what is really just a fairly excusable administrative error. Quoth the sore loser: “I can’t believe Cornell would be that irresponsible.” ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆dpwFN C

Oh sorry, just fell asleep on my keyboard. Where were we? Oh, right. The story continues on Page 4, with the wonderful new headline: “Rejected Students Outraged Over Financial Aid Office’s E-mail Debacle.” Chocolate outrage, y’all. De-BAC-le. Outraged author Lucy Li goes on to describe a far more colossal fuck-up on the Left Coast:

Cornell is not the only school that had issues with e-mail regarding applications and admissions this year. The University of California, San Diego, mistakenly sent acceptance e-mails to all 46,377 students who applied for admission, including the 29,000 applicants who were rejected, according to NBC San Diego.

I trust NBC, even though they’re totally owned by General Electric, but I don’t trust any news outlet in San Diego after that eye-openingly revelatory documentary Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. In any case, the climactic editorialization of a sentence:

These 29,000 students’ brief moments of bliss [because U.C. San Diego is HEAVEN ON EARTH] were crushed [CRUSHED!] when UCSD emailed [sic: you've been using hyphens all along! between the "e" and the "mails." consistency fail.] out their rejection letters two hours later.

I’m glad we have these sorts of tragic news stories to keep us from thinking about, you know, real tragedies like Darfur and Rwanda and starving kids in AfriChina. Also, like how the Green Cafe didn’t have ANY milk to serve my friend when she went there at 5am this morning. Seriously, I’m not fucking kidding you. I feel for her. I feel CHOCOLATE OUTRAGE for her.

While we’re at it (read: actually reading the Sun), there’s a purposefully hilarious story on Page 5. Headline is “Bowling Green State University Bans Art Depicting Oral Sex.” YES. I’m copying it here so it will live in PERPETUITY.

“Sami Drops a Deuce,” “John Put His Head in the Oven” and “The Man Who Hasn’t Seen His Genitals in Years” are just some of the titles of sculptures Bowling Green State University senior administrators deemed “appropriate.” However, roughly two weeks ago, those administrators removed a sculpture from an exhibit on the university’s Firelands Campus titled “The Middle School Science Teacher Makes a Decision He’ll Live to Regret,” sparking a heated controversy surrounding issues of art censorship, freedom of expression and child pornography.

According a news release from BGSU, the sculpture “graphically depicts a female middle school student, on her knees, performing oral sex on a standing male middle school science teacher.”

On March 17, David Sapp, an art professor at BGSU Firelands and director of the Little Gallery, was asked by Firelands Interim Dean James Smith to take down the sculpture because there were complaints that Smith worried would result in “problems with the press” or “legal” issues of the sculpture being labeled as “child pornography,” according to a memorandum Sapp sent to all faculty and staff at BGSU Firelands.

After Sapp refused to remove the sculpture, BGSU Interim Provost Mark Gromko directed Smith to remove the artwork.

According to Sapp, the sculpture was “near the window of the gallery, but could not be seen unless you walked into the gallery.” However, BGSU administrators were concerned that children attending the McBride Auditorium, located adjacent to the gallery, “may have been directly affected by the specific criminal act depicted.”

“As an institution of higher education, Bowling Green State University strongly supports the right of free speech and artistic expression. However, we also have a responsibility and obligation to not expose the children and families we invite to our campus to inappropriate material,” the news release said.

Despite the administration’s concern, Sapp said the McBride Auditorium is not exclusively a children’s theater and he had asked the director to keep the door locked and the gallery closed during children’s theater productions.

Sapp said the art exhibits at the Little Gallery are meant to “promote thought, discussion and a meaningful visual experience in a responsible way,” and he urged his colleagues to be aware of the “visceral force” and “tone” of the administrators at BGSU.

“The dean has established a very dangerous precedent for censorship in the Little Gallery and within every part of the college,” Sapp said in the memorandum. “The dean has severely undermined the very nature of the learning environment at Firelands College.”

After administrators censored the sculpture, Sapp closed the entire exhibit of 13 sculptures and is considering resigning from his position as director.

Other sculptures in the exhibit titled “A Bakers Dozen” depicted events or situations connected with the artist’s life, such as his wife combing his daughter’s hair, personal friends who committed suicide or social issues such as obesity.

“Each one is telling a little story, and this was just a series of little stories about people I know, things I’ve read, my family; they’re basically domestic stories in many ways,” said James Parlin, the exhibition’s artist and chair of the art department at Edinboro University in Pennsylvania.

Parlin said it wasn’t necessary for BGSU administrators to remove the sculpture and he supported Sapp’s decision to close the exhibit entirely. The aluminum sculpture in question is about “moral decision making,” Parlin said.

“The intent was to show someone making a bad decision, and I showed the man staring forward at his future of disgrace. In other words, it’s about a bad choice and the consequences of that bad choice,” Parlin said. “I was blindsided by this whole thing; I never expected anything like this in a million years. I didn’t plan this, for god’s sake.”

Parlin said he was not notified before the sculpture was removed, and he said it would have been easy to restrict access to children while still allowing adults to view the artwork. According to Parlin, American society benefits from freedom of expression and institutions of higher education such as BGSU should be environments that “honor that principle.”

“I like to be able to read what I want, listen to what I want, see what I want, and I don’t like other people making that decision for me,” Parlin said. “I think it’s an enormous mistake when we let other people decide that for any of us. Now protecting children is a different issue; I protect my own children.”

The controversy surrounding the sculpture is surprising because so few people have actually seen the artwork, Parlin said.

“This whole controversy is about a piece that virtually no one has seen. It’s not about the piece of sculpture; it can’t be because no one has seen it,” he said.

Nathan Trask, a junior majoring in liberal arts at the BGSU Firelands campus, said he saw the exhibit in its entirety and participated in protests following the administration’s decision to censor the sculpture. Trask said the exhibit wasn’t “overly impressive.”

“It was really more the social ramifications that were involved, the girl giving oral sex to a teacher and a few people committing suicide,” Trask said.

According to Trask, public institutions shouldn’t have the ability to censor art and the ramifications of BGSU censoring artwork reach far beyond Parlin’s sculpture.

“Institutions are supposed to further emotional and social and all sorts of learning, and to tamper with this side of learning, you cannot get the overall learning experience that you’re supposed to get from a state university,” Trask said. “People are careful what they say all the time; they’re careful what they write; they’re careful what they create in art classes because they don’t want all this outrage happening, and it really should be the opposite way.”

Tom Lingeman, an art professor at the University of Toledo, said the BGSU Firelands situation is “clearly” an example of censorship. Lingeman said he can’t be sure about anything specifically because he hasn’t personally seen the sculpture, however, “as far as [he] can tell there is a child sensitivity issue.”

Lingeman said he believes the BGSU administrators have to consider child sensitivity, but other choices could have been made to prevent closing the entire exhibit.

“If indeed the proximity of this to the involuntary viewing of children is a problem, then that needs to be considered,” Lingeman said. “In certain cases, censorship can protect those people who do not have the capability of accurately rationalizing what they see.”

According to Lingeman, the exhibit should have featured a warning label just as films or television shows feature parental guidance warnings.

“Censorship is practiced every day, and we don’t raise eyebrows about it all the time,” he said.

The exhibition policy at The Center for the Visual Arts in Toledo “promotes freedom of expression without restriction on content or form. The views expressed … are those of the exhibitors and may not be those of the department or the university.”

Lingeman said it is UT’s policy not to censor, and students are encouraged to freely express themselves through their artwork. In addition to encouraging UT students, Lingeman said he thinks Parlin should “make sculptures of whatever he wants and to show it. … However, the viewer should be warned that others have looked at the work and deemed it to be potentially … sexually explicit or violent.”

Sapp and BGSU administrators could not be reached for comments beyond the official news releases.

Indecipherable spam jargon! On a clearly library-affiliated page! The horror! I forwarded my findings onto the tipster, telling myself that the Xanax peddlers were crazy Canadian webtards and not, as I had hoped, Johnson and Johnson or Pfizer or even Bayer. He responded back five minutes later that he didn’t see anything wrong with the page I’d sent him. I renavigated back, and thank God I took that screenshot, because the page is altogether pedestrian now:

Look at the URLs. They’re both the same. I called the library to see what’s up and talked to a guy at the Circulation Desk, who wasn’t aware of the whole Xanax thing. He said he’s send the tip on to the people upstairs. Bored by the whole matter by now, I didn’t feel like doing the journalist thing and talking to them.

Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!

Horrified, but all the more entranced, I drew ever nearer, close enough now to read the notice posted on their door. Finally, my worst fears were confirmed: the 220-ish block of Linden Avenue plays host to not only goat-sacrificing black magacians but also to BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!

With no millisecond to spare, I collected myself and ran off, while my head swirled with dreams of blogging a cautionary tale of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness.

P.S.: Newsy narrative aside, all signs point to the fact that no drugs were found in the raid and that the “older townie junkies” (as some neighbors described him) either hid their shit really well or were merely casual consumers who’d just run out of smack. The Sun article notes that no arrests were made, and some lady at the investigations office of the Ithaca Police Department said that none have been made over the course of the week and no new information is available to the press. Maybe the Po found some paraphernalia that justified keeping 24/7 surveillance on the house? My take: Someone who didn’t like the “junkies” tipped off the IthPo, who jumped at the chance to break out their bad-ass SWAT-mobile. And can you really blame them? Oh, Po just-ta wanna have fun.