CornellWatch

If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”

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Just got back to campus yesterday after my first ever “party” Spring Break, which was pretty effing fantastic. What happened over the Break? Not much, really — Cornell lost to Mizzou in the first round of March Madness, Madoff’s Ponzi scheme-abetting accountant ‘81 got arrested, and, more importantly, “a devastating infestation of wooly adelgids is currently invading the University’s hemlock trees.” Most importantly, a curious new flyer has popped up all over Goldwin Smith, and I’m kind of in love with it. And, since I’m a horrible person and I mock things that I love, I drew with my bitchin’ new Crayola markers (recommended by teachers!) all the fuck over it. It’s all about a Freshman who’s lookin’ for ROCK STARS who are teh chillness. R U THE 1? Click on to see it!

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Ruh roh! Seems like the liberals on campus are pissed off about something… what’s new? Just kidding! That’s the kind of joke only a writer for the Cornell Review (or the defunct Cornell American, which joined forces with the Review last year) would make, which brings me to the point: a diverse array of campus liberals marched around Barton Hall today at Clubfest armed with signs* and indignance because of some nasty little racisty things the Review said in their welcome back issue.

After the group snowballed up and down the rows, they made their way over to the Review’s table and chanted a little about how Cornell must make them go away. And then some guy with a loudspeaker started talking, but I wasn’t really listening. There was a CoPo keeping the peace WHILE sucking on a lollipop (such talent!), and I tried to take a cell phone picture of him but I fucked it up. Anyway, their specific gripes (which a sweaty guy with a clipboard distributed before the “march” to random tables including Kitsch’s, urging us to fight the good fight with him) are after the jump. Also after the jump: why their gripes don’t really make too much sense.

[UPDATE (9/13): Before I get a flood of angry commenters, I want to let people know that I do not support in any way or form the Review. I am sorry that this post comes off like I'm shitting on activists, I'm not. I respect what you're doing here but believe that it's a bit misguided and needs to get its facts straight concerning the Cornell name and ask the administration to do something about the Review with a legitimate claim (aka please check their masthead for a disclaimer, I don't have a copy handy). Please take this into consideration before you post comments.]

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The Registrar’s office has apparently made it impossible for Schedulizer to function, or something.When you log in to the Schedge, the entreating missive at left comes up and explains that “Cornell has made it prohibitively difficult for us to maintain accurate course information.” And even though the good peeps over at Schedulizer (holla back, Ross) have tried their darndest to work with the Registrar to resolve this timely and adequately, “the Registrar has been unresponsive.” The Registrar so tied up in its own red tape that any soul brave enough to venture into cubicle-y abyss comes out with empty answers and the nagging desire to set Day Hall on fire? Unheard of. It seems this whole shebang is due to the switch to the decidedly sucky PeopleSoft, which (not unlike many a beer goggled hook-up) appears pretty and wholesome and kinda cute but in reality sucks giant monkey balls.

This makes times quite trying for we students who did not write down our schedules before 1:30am the night before the first day of classes. And since some unnamed students did not get all the classes they wanted and a bag of potato chips in PreEnroll, some unnamed students are kinda pissed off. And so this colors their decision to send what would normally be a very peaceable and professional email to the evil-sounding UnivRegistrar@cornell.edu. After the jump, the offending email.

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Cornell instituted a new Just the Facts system last spring, and student reviews were glowing… perhaps even explosive. Today at 10:30am (at least it’s not 6), we faced the beast that is PeopleSoft again.

So how’s it doing the second time around? Let’s let the people talk for themselves:

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Cornell has made another bold move in its fight to eradicate Forgetful Freddies this semester, increasing the cost of replacing Cornell Student Identification Cards from $25 to $35. Students are predictably outraged about having to shell out enough money to buy 2.5 handles of Barton’s for a freaking shiny piece of plastic with your face on it, and administrators may face protests and angry drunken messages.

“I am dismayed and outraged by this new cost increase,” said one student who happens to be myself. ”What’s next–$6 for a sandwich at Trillium?”

Some university administrators attempted to construct flimsy excuses defending the change, citing the expensive materials and skilled labor needed to produce Cornell IDs. “The ID department has been in the red for years,” said some lady at the office.”Mostly because of the first replacement ID is free.”

Pseudo-fake newsing aside, THIS IS SO FREAKING ANNOYING.

Sorry, Daily Sun, but you really sent the wrong reporter to cover the Vag(ina) Mo(nologues) this weekend… Not only can Suzanne Baumgarten not spell “twat” (unless they really spell it “toit” in New Jersey), she made the mistake of going there (you know what I mean), and quite tactlessly, at that:

“Not only were the auditoriums packed both nights (over 1000 tickets were sold all together), they were packed with both genders. I was impressed that the male audience members accepted the various stabs at their gender nobly, not letting the show’s feminist nature interfere with their overall enjoyment.” (italics mine)

Uh oh, Suzy Q… did you just make the blanket claim that all feminists are men-hating bra-burners in a review of the Vagina Monologues? Watch out–you might have a herd of violent lesbians at your door soon, whose feminist nature might interfere with your overall enjoyment of your night.

Suzy Q also commits the gaffe of calling the performers girls instead of women: “Most of the “monologues” were actually performed by more than one girl. The inclusion of so many actresses added to the performance’s empowering, original mood.” Barring any comments I might have about the last sentence’s helpless triteness, did it not at least cross your mind that the Vag Mo is a very feminist play, and as such its acting “girls” might not appreciate being pushed into a diminutive, cutesy nomenclature?

Last time I read the Feminine Mystique, I tried to make sure that its feminist nature didn’t get in the way of my enjoyment, but somehow all those uppity girls got on my nerves.

Yesterday, IvyGate accused Alex Cain’s school-sponsored blog “Over the Top” of making light of Cornell’s serious “gorge-related suicide problem.” (You know, that one that everyone talks about but doesn’t actually exist except in hyperlinks to 1994 NYT articles.) The offending statement was at the top of his blog: “They tried to make me go to the gorges but I said no no no.” Sorry, Maureen O’Connor, but I think Cain is just making a joke about the general despair of Cornell’s campus (in the middle of nowhere, cold, snowy) and less about some mysterious “they” (the demons in his head, perhaps?) telling him to go take the plunge. The real issue here is that Ms. O’Connor was so quick to read suicide into a joke about Cornell’s sucky qualities.

The Daily Sun takes a heteronormative approach to internet pretending on Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” section, posting as a 20-year old “Cornell coed looking to experiment,” and IvyGate takes them to task for their giggly schoolgirl antics.

Too bad they didn’t read Kitsch’s article on gay Craigslist entries (“Hooking Up”), which is infinitely more relevant given that m4m ads comprise up to 25 posts a day, paling in comparison to the m4w’s 5 to 6 average and w4m’s 3 to 4.

IvyGate suggests the Sun do another of their devilish underground “investigations” as a m4m pretender in order to scare Cornell’s closeted population, but is it really worth the trouble? The result will be an assemblage of questioning freshman, closeted frat brothers, and unattractive grad students—not to mention the occasional self-debasing “fat pig” who urgently “needs to be used.” (Bacon, anyone?)