CornellWatch

Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). Read the rest of this entry »

And no one is around to hear it — as the officer nearby testified — does it make a sound? Physicists tell me that it does, but I’m still waiting to hear back from the Philosophy department.

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While the recession of the century becomes a tiring pop culture trend story, academic institutions are facing a real economic crisis, a trend epitomized in the recent advice book How to Survive without a Golden Parachute. With such perilous uncertainty ahead, the wizards of Cornell, Incorporated (that is to say, the men behind the curtain) are turning to more “alternative” means of financial planning.  After several attempts to schedule a meeting with John Edward of Crossing Over, the superstar psychic repeatedly declined, commenting: “My unreal ability to speak to peoples’ deceased loved ones doesn’t qualify me to make a financial forecast.”

Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards.  Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris.  The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”

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It’s official: the second episode of Ivy, Ithaca College’s horribly amazing TV show about Cornellians, is up. And it’s 2am and I just got back from the library and am in an, um, “study” daze — so I’m going to “write up” a drinking game while I watch it to, er, take the edge off. Here’s the rules: make one drink labeled CU for when something realistic happens and another one labeled IC for when something unrealistic happens! Unfortunately, all I have to drink is shitty Wegman’s Sangria. (Can someone please get them a liquor section, stat? I’m tired of having to go to Northside when I want my daily regimen of milk, eggs, and vodka.) Do me one better and post Cornell- and Ithaca-themed cocktails in the comments! My personal guidelines after da jump.

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No one is reading this, but we don’t care! We’re drunkblogging the veep debates. We’re following the Daily Show’s rules. We’ll also check up on the Daily Sun’s liveblogging to make sure they’re not as drunk as us. We’ll be making our rules up as we go.

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