Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). And, although Skorton was both drily eloquent and soberly charming when my senior self spoke with him, he didn’t seem to have much to offer in the way of practical advice for seniors who have been fucked in the ass by a shitty job market, one that’s moreover flooded with recent laid-off bitches who are considerably more “senior” than us. “You’ll land on your feet,” he told us right before we toasted the Class of ‘09 with our recently bought $5 champagne glasses. We’ll be fine. Just fine! Right. D-Skortz had earlier told me that I still ought to consider newspapers. (Yawn.) And to talk to University spokesman Tommy Bruce, who I already know. “I often speak fairly unfavorably about the University administration,” I told him. In other words: What’s a brash blogger to do in these days? Skorton said that even critics can get jobs. You know, talking to Tommy might actually be a good option. Damn you and your good sense, D-Skortz. Maybe I will land on my feet. Also: good luck, Class of ‘09. Srsly.

And no one is around to hear it — as the officer nearby testified — does it make a sound? Physicists tell me that it does, but I’m still waiting to hear back from the Philosophy department.

MOAR PIX.

Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards.  Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris.  The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”

Belated April Fools! Yeah, we missed the mark, but forgive us. Please?

PS: Most of that was written by my dear friend Lauren Johnson. Give her a pat on the back, will ya?

IC VS. CU: The Official Ivy Imbibin’ Game
00:59: DOUBLE-POPPED COLLAR AND AVIATORS. We understand the point is to take the stereotype to a whole ‘nother LEVEL but this is the stuff of Preppy-themed parties. IC!
2:06: A pledge talking back? No way in hell. He would just silently stop attending events like a REAL man. Plus, that kid looks like a guy I used to buy pot from on the commons. IC!
2:25: OMFG, are his wannabe mutton chops dyed green? IC!
2:35: Leprechaun mutton chops boy just (inexplicably) took the SOCKS POSING AS FAKE MUSCLES out of his shirt and threw them (limpwristedly) at the popped collar douche! Any self-respecting bro would know you can buy real fake muscles on the internets. IC!
3:55: A real Cornell ho would passive-aggressively text her friend about abandoning her at the party last night instead of confronting her in the flesh. IC!
4:10: Oh-so-studious Emily was shitfaced by 11:30 and cheated on her boyfriend with a pre-law student whose name she remembers, in a car whose color and brand she remembers. Where is her hangover and fuzzy memory? But! She is probably lying about being so drunk and using it as an excuse to be a slut, which is totally Cornell. Finally, a CU!
4:40: Amanda, who’s supposed to be the sorority-bound JAP in love with Uggs, would/should know how to talk to boys more than study-hoggy money-grubbing Emily. IC!
5:10: No fucking way: Chris is all-of-a-sudden going French artiste circa Montmartre and wearing a beret and working on his painting project. At least the beret’s almost Cornell red, though, so we’ll give points for (idiotic) consistency… CU!
5:25: The EMTs couldn’t tell if someone had a concussion? CUEMS does a way better job than that, despite the fact that their speciality is stomach pumps. IC!
6:25: The most realistic thing we’ve seen thus far: a pledge being called to be his Big Brother’s bitch. CU!
7:10: Douche Big Brother Bradley has stripped to one polo, with the collar in the cutting-edge half-pop position. More realism! Go CU!
8:00: I can’t understand a word Lex is saying… if anyone can, decide for yourself whether to IC or CU.
8:30: Keith just said “[Earplugs] reduce the voluminousness of the audio with the frequency of loud.” Whether the pretentiousness works or not is up to you, but we’ve recently been told that his accent is REAL. (He’s from Zimbabwe where there are British people or something.) Drink to this discovery: CU!
10:45: Love Lex’s purple hazing costume and Emily’s jab at him for being “Captain Trust Fund.” I can see them as asshole Cornell kids. CU!
11:50: A cheating girl wouldn’t be so obvious about her cheating. Unless she’s going to be caught in the act by Chris! I guess Cornellians are pretty predictable, though, so CU!
12:05: Emily is wearing a keffiyeh, which is so hipster trend pre-Rachael Ray Dunkin Donuts Debacle. What is her character supposed to be? Why is she not the sorostitute-type Ugg-wearer? IC!
12:40: Finally, the Ugg-wearer in her natural habitat, drunkenness. CU!
13:25: Emily and Amanda should’ve made out while dancing there to achieve true slut status. IC!
13:35: The way the camera pans in and out and in and out and in calls to my mind very familiar times at frat parties. Whirl around a few times and CU!
14:40: I wish Amanda was grasping onto something for support and that she were more consistently shwastyface (slurring, not making sense, etc.). At Cornell, we get drunk and stay drunk. IC!
16:05: Wow, Amanda’s done already? Quick trick. Anyway, replay “I need a driiiiiink” and WATCH HER FACE. Each time you repeat, CU!
16:30: God, again: Cheating. Girls. Are. Not. This. Retarded. At least not at Cornell. PS-Die, keffiyeh, die. IC!
17:15: My god. Amanda’s scream. Priceless. Replay this one and CU as necessary. Yeah, these have nothing to do with trueness to Cornell but my recycled Pom glass of Sangria is GONE and they’re fun.
18:00: So when does Chris transfer to IC? Just sayin’. Take half an IC, cause that’s what he is right now.
18:25: Lex is crying over Chris de-pledging… very homoerotic, just like regular frat boy activities. CU!
18:50: Why didn’t Chris tap the rebound hit on Nats? Make it happen already. Oh, and we’ll CU next week, har har har. One last note: even if you’re playing on your own terms, you could use the totals below to proportion your drinks responsibly, though it’s probably more fun if you didn’t.

Total
IC: 11.5
CU: 12+

9:00pm – Palin: “Can I call you Joe?” – DRINK

9:05pm – Biden is a good speaker. Palin’s flag pin is atrocious.

9:0pm – Drink whenever anyone says “fundamental.”

9:09pm – Palin: “Get down to gettin’ business done.”-DRINK.

Palin calls McCain a “maverick”-DRINK

9:15pm – Whenever Joe gives Sarah a murderous look, DRINK.

Moderator insults candidates by saying they didn’t answer questions. DRINK.

9:10pm – P: “Joe Six Pack.” DRINK.

9:12pm – B: Whenever B refers to “John” chummily, DRINK.

9:13pm – P: “Darn right.” DRINK.

9:17pm – Everytime the middle class is brought up in a not-at-all specific fashion, DRINK.

9:18pm – Middle class again. Vom. And DRINK.

9:19pm – Biden mentions Scranton. DRINK.

P.S. What are we drinking? Assassination Attempts! Two shots of Barton’s, 3 parts tonic, 1 part Sour mix, and a splash of Grapefruit juice!

9:22pm – It’s harder to pay attention to Biden than Palin. We’re just gonna drink.

9:23pm – We are waiting for her to bring up veterans. Where are the veterans?!

P.P.S. Alaska and Delaware have 6 electoral votes. Combined. That’s 6/483 = 1.1% of this country’s population. I suppose I am biased towards populous states, but what the fuck?

9:27pm – Main St. invoked. DRINK.

9:41pm – We’ve been away for a bit. Our dear friend was making informed decisions on her absentee ballot. What we missed: pretty much nothing except for…

“BARACK OBAMA AND SENATOR O’BIDEN!” Shoulda stuck to Joe. Much drinking.

Oh, and Biden misquotes “Drill, baby, drill” as “Drill, drill, drill.”

9:43pm: P: “White flag of surrender.” As opposed to a white flag of VICTORY.

Everytime Palin repeats the same word more than once in a sentence, DRINK. “The Iraq war will be won when the Iraqi government can govern itself.”And if anyone says “surge,” drink.

The “Talibani.” DRINK.

9:45pm – B: “John McCain has been so wrong. I LOVE him, as my mother would say. But he’s been dead wrong.” (Approx…)

9:48pm -”Nai-ee-vah-TAY.” She so cultured.

9:49pm – P talks about protecting “women’s rights” from the terrorists. They hate our freedoms! Our freedoms to not get an abortion!

9:51pm – “A two state solution is the solution.” NEW WORDS PALIN.

New drinks! My friend’s making it, and it has tequila. So we’re thinking it’ll be called a “Global Warming.” Because tequila makes you feel warm inside, of course.

10:06pm – P: “I beg to disagree with you.” Mangled idioms. DRINK.

P: “He knows what evil is.” Scar from Lion King, Cruella Deville, etc. You know, the Vietcong.

10:09pm – Joe Biden looks like Bob Barker. Thoughts?

P: “Whadja expect: a team o’ mavericks!” DRINK.

10:10pm – “We need some reality from Wasilla Main St.” Let’s consult the record.

10:11pm – We learn that Joe Biden spends a lot of time at Home Depot. Wonderful. He is a carpenter. Since it is already quite widely known that Obama is Jesus, O’Biden is clearly his ” foster father”–Joseph! (Not God, silly.)

10:15pm – It’s almost over. We want abortion questions. NOW.

10:16pm – Palin is run-on sentencing. STOP. To quote the Daily Show’s best rule very: “Every time Palin speaks in a run-on sentence, get yourself for into the position of being to drink a sip of beer and therefore on the chair on which you sit turn around and face your neighbor but you will not have had enough into which to vomit and that’s good because you will be feeling in a way that is comparable to ways in which you have drunk before, at home, where they teach good drinking values.”

10:17pm – Joe Biden’s scathing indictment of Dick Cheney was probably the best part of this debate so far. Especially in contrast to Sarah Palin’s “huge energy-producing state,” “executive experience,” “special needs child,” etc.

10:20pm – Biden’s daughter and wife died. Sad sad sad. That ending note was really touching.

10:22pm – “Maverick.” STFU. You ruined the moment.

10:23pm – P: “Change is coming, and John McCain is the leader of that reform.” Wtf Sarah. Stop being on-message for the wrong ticket.

10:24pm – B: “Maverick he is not.” Apparently Biden has been debating since he was 9. Without a break.

Whose signature is better?

Palin’s: Loopy.

Biden’s: Hard to characterize.

10:31pm – Sarah Palin’s sign-off: don’t let your grandchildren down because you were a pussy terrorist lover.

10:33pm – Biden’s sign-off: Too preachy. But still good.