Booklists are up, so if you, like me, would rather have an angry mob of pre-Meds batter you to death on Ho Plaza with their biology tomes than get ass-fucked by the Cornell Store’s prices, check these following options:

1) Amazon: The prices the site itself offers are usually marginally lower than those of the Store, but if you click on the convenient ‘new and used’ option over to the right, you can find online bookstores selling good-as-new books at 10-50% off. Don’t forget to weigh shipping into your costs.

2) eBay: Again, users will sell books at reduced rates but shipping comes into play. Try to buy a couple of books from the same user/vendor for reduced shipping costs.

3) Smaller textbook sites: Campusbooks.com is decent, but you’re better off with bigger vendors like Amazon and eBay because they are built-in user rating systems to prevent you from getting ripped off. Also, if you’re thinking about selling your books on these sites, the cut the site takes for itself can be pretty disgusting (around 15% sometimes) but Amazon screws you to about the same tune. Best to stick to eBay here: there are some costs involved in setting up a seller’s account on eBay — but they don’t take a cut of your sale.

4) Kraftee’s: They guarantee the same or lower prices than the Cornell Store’s (usually anywhere from 10% – 30%), and they’re located right in Collegetown near the corner of College and Dryden.

5) The god-forsaken library: The cheapest (free!) but most stressful option. First of all, it probably won’t work for textbooks because those are usually only on course reserve — which are readily available when it’s not exam time but who really studies until the week/day/hour before a test?  This might seem a good idea for a smallish seminar class, but other people are just as crafty and cheap as you and will beat your ass to the stacks. Use only as a last resort, I say — don’t you want a nice personal library of useless books at the end of your college career, anyway?

Conclusion: Look for the expensive $80+ textbooks (like those pesky massive science volumes) online — scrounge for international editions on eBay or just buy them via Amazon’s “new and used ones. For little shits below $20, swallow your pride and patronize the CU store. If it’s between $20 and $80 at the Store, check out Kraftee’s.

1) The A Cappell’A-Hole: Since the start of The Office’s 5-season run, former “Here Comes Treble” member Andy Bernard has continually been vilified for invoking his Cornell education as a sign of his superiority over his less prestigiously educated co-workers. But hey: what 8 to 12 close friends do you plan on getting together with and TOTALLY OWNING at Ruloff’s Monday Karaoke?

2) The Prissy Bitch: Ivy producer Ed Pietzak calls Emily “the one pretentious girl who causes all the drama.” Without her, the show wouldn’t go on! And there’s really nothing wrong with being a manipulative gold-digger who calls art majors “weird” and only likes her boyfriend because she thinks he’s going to be a rich doctor anyway. Someday, she’s gonna be on Real Housewives of New York while you sit in your janky cubicle and curse the day your underpaid ass declared the philosophy major.

3) The Overprivileged Frat-tard: Legacies, take note: Your father may not necessarily be the “CEO of a moderately well-known Fortune 500 company” like Lex’s over here, but not to worry: nobody judges in your fraternity… unless, of course, he’s presiding over whether Theta or Kappa has bigger sluts. Yeah, you might find such a debate “sexist,” but healthy banter unifies old money and new money alike — ain’t brotherhood sweet, man?

4) The Unfortunate Aggie: While we never do find out where (or if) Dwight Kurt Schrute III went to school, we figure the proprietor of the “number one beet-related agrotourism destination in Northeastern Pennsylvania” would have been right at home in the Ag School. If you’re still doubtful, know that Dwight is well-informed on CALS’ history: “Without [Cornell's] agricultural program we probably wouldn’t have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.” If people call you a backwoods hick, let them know you attended the school that produced the best coleslaw you’ve ever tasted.

5) The North Face and Uggs Ho: When confronted with the hard reality that other brands of winter wear exist, Amanda has the courage to insist that “these are the brands that everyone wears, so that means they’re the best.” Don’t be a pussy and tell your friends that, yes, they’re ugly and unfashionable BUT SO SO COMFORTABLE. Do Long Island proud by standing firmly in solidarity concerning the superiority of the North Face and Uggs, and, while you’re lookin’ fine with your new super-soft bunny fleece and your bitchin’ new baby seal-skin galoshes, why not get laid?

6)  The Pretentious Foreigner: If you’re from a different country, people have to like you, no matter how much of a elitist prick you are! Because you’re a novelty! Take “international student” Keith: despite being a complete idiot (he mispronounces “infamous” and reacts to correction with a BS etymology), Keith  seems to have friends who put up with him. And his fake accent sucks, so if you’ve got a real-life one: think of the heights of superiority you could reach!

7) The Artsy-Fartsy Kid: Natalie just transferred to Cornell’s art program. Nats is the voice of reason among a storm of self-absorbed Cornellians: she’s the one who corrects Keith about the pronunciation of “infamous,” questions Amanda’s brand fascism, and gives Lex exasperated looks. You, like Natalie, might be living at home after you graduate. But at least for now you have super-cute bangs.

8 ) The Lost Soul: At lunch with his girlfriend, Chris can’t summon up the balls to tell his girlfriend (Prissy Bitch Emily) something important that’s been on his mind. After she abruptly departs (leaving him to foot the bill), Chris addresses the camera in a dramatic soliloquy: “There was something I wanted to tell you. I don’t want to be a doctor anymore.” (Vom.) Chris is the character we’re supposed to like: sensitive (he almost took an art class once!), caring (he loves his girlfriend even after his friends point out that she’s a jealous bitch), and cute (in a goofy way). Unfortunately, nothing good can be said if you indentify as the Lost Soul: you are a push-over and, unfortunately, need to sprout a pair. We can only hope that Ivy will have Chris follow this path by ditching Emily (hopefully on his own accord and not because she banged Lex or Keith) and banging Natalie in the art studio. Then he’ll be the Awesome Guy Who’s Kind of a Pimp but That Everybody Still Loves.