CornellWatch

HOT OFF THE PRESSES: The Daily Sun made a landmark move today in deciding to print the columns of two writers known to be flamingly gay on the same exact page. It is unclear whether the publication itself was a heartwarming act of tolerance toward God-forsaken faggots or if the faggots in question, by some mischevious act such as they are wont to engage in, highjacked the electronic and mechanical methods by which the Sun normally engages in printing its newspaper thing. In any case, John-David Brown discussed his sinful acts of sodomy at length in his column, a column that was a narcissistic, self-indulgent litany of ” ‘interesting’ tidbits about [himself].” The one I speak of is number 13, a number known to be in violation of God’s Code because of the pagan belief that it is bad luck: “I have a premature ejactulation problem when I’m on Adderal or trying to be on top. Did you know that about me? I think not.” Did you know that I didn’t want to know that? I think so. And Peter Fritch’s column was equally, if not more, blasphemous:

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Tickets went on sale today for the Ludacris Concert on February 28th: buy them for $18 at CornellConcerts.com.Slope Day got financial help to the tune of $30,000 from the Cornell Concert Commission, but it still has about $40,000 to cover. So it might not suck after all! Thanks, CCC!

Right now, you can’t search for shit on cornell.edu, and it’s pissing me the fuck off. I have unfamiliar professors to beseechingly email! Distant colleagues with whom to reconnect! Hotties (whose name I spied on the cover of her Anthro notebook) to stalk! As you can see above, though, they’re working on it. They are really fucking working on it. They are working so hard that they’re not really sure when they’re going to be done. But yeah. It’s all okay, man, because it’ll be over soon. It will be over soon.

You might recall that Ludacris’s pilgrimage to Cornell came at a price: the purity of our women. Well now the wily bastard has taken it one step further and decided to pimp our men too–and the offending bawd (a term I use with the most due of respect) is his boo Shawnna, a sort of Eve/Lil Kim clone who actually spits some pretty hot rapid-fire shit. If you want to get an idea of her personality, think Ludacris with a sex change and a lifetime supply of cheap lip gloss. Check Luda and Shawnna out in this video of their collaboration “Shake Dat Shit” below.

Okay, so I’ve been absent for a while now without any real explanation–but I promise to come out of my winter break hibernation now! Let’s start the CornellWatch New Year on the right foot with C.P. Cavafy’s epic poem “Ithaka,” narrated by none other than SNL’s easy target (and famous actor?) Sean Connery. Full transcript of the poem after the jump.

While I’m here, queer, and cruising the Youtubes, why not follow it up with a hysterical Trebek vs. Connery video? Enjoy!

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It’s official: ALANA (African Latin Asian Native American) Programming Board, along with the CCC and some other acronym thing caled MCFAB, has somehow gotten Ludacris to come to East Hill come February 28, 2009. Over a thousand people are attending on Facebook already! But it came at a price: For this one night, every girl on campus will be magically transofrmed into a pole-dancin’, dirty-grindin’, sexaholic prosty-ho. And it was totally worth it for the newly redeemed party organizer people–after Howie Mandel and Bill Maher kind of tanked, we need this, even at the expense of our women’s purity.

Plaxico Burress, the Giants star who shot himself in the leg at a Manhattan nightclub last Friday, has been roundly ridiculed in the media. And now Cornell might have a little part to play, emphasis on a little: he was allegedly treated at Weill Medical-affiliated hospital by Dr. Josyann Abisaab, a doctor that Fox Sports reports “does not work directly for New York-Cornell Hospital but is affiliated with the facility.” Her affiliation: an assistant professor in Emergency Medicine, according to Weill Medical’s directory; she’s been there for over 15 years. Investigators are saying that Abisaab knew Plaxico from working with Giants’ team members previously and that she intentionally failed to report the gunshot victim to police (a law, apparently!). The best part: Plaxico’s explanation to the hospital officials that took him in:

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That’s the verdict from William B. Miller of our very own Flower Bulb Research Program, sort of. As paraphrased in the Wenatchee World Online, “one part booze to seven parts water yields a 5 percent alcohol solution that you can use instead of water. Make the switch after your paperwhites begin to sprout roots and a green shoot that’s an inch or 2 inches above the bulb.” It makes these particular flowers — “Narcissus tazetta” — stand up better instead of toppling over like us normal drunks. If you want to read more, here’s an entire PDF on the interesting phenom. Thanks for this, Flower Bulb Research Program.

Halloween costumes are so much fun! BUT DANGEROUS. Because when you are in costume — perhaps drunk! — as a sexy dinosaur or a sexy Sarah Palin or a sexy Chinese Olympic Gymnastics Team, YOU ARE A DIFFERENT PERSON. Yet still responsible for your actions? So saith the CoPo in an emergency advisory email.

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Really sad: a body was recovered around 2pm today from Cascadilla Gorge below the Collegetown Bridge, according to the Daily Sun. It’s not certain that it was a suicide, but the Sun reports that “a Cornell Police officer stated that a person allegedly dove head-first into the gorge.” So if this is true, it’s almost definitely a suicide. The body has yet to be identified, but a source close to the rescue operation tells us that it was a Cornell student and might have been male. More on this as it comes.