Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). Read the rest of this entry »
Have you ever had the passing notion that Cornell University might secretly be a front of a giant drug operation? That Big Red might be in cahoots with Big Pharma? Well, a tipster sent on an interesting little Google search (at left) this morning that seems to confirm all of our worst fears. Although it might be pretty sweet to be able to have those magical anxiety-dissolving pills of Xanax to lull cracked-out midnight oil-burners to sleep. Not satisfied, I investigated the fishy matter on library.cornell.edu further by — of course — searching “Xanax” in their little engine of their own.
With a little investigative work of my own, I located the infamous Linden Ave “crack house” of Daily Sun fame — the one that got raided by a busful of 10 heroin-seeking SWAT guys last Sunday night. Cam-phone in hand, I approached what I hoped to be a cesspool of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness. As I steadied my trigger finger, I was pleasantly surprised to note that the “drug den” in question looked like most other shitty slumlord-owned basement apartments in Collegetown — random crap littered about, musty blankets stuffed against the window so as to shield passers-by from inside activities, paint chipping off a poor excuse for “siding.” So much for a cautionary tale… or was it?
Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!
If you are a gay man who doesn’t know who Larry Paciotti is, that’s forgivable. But if you gay men don’t know Chi Chi LaRue, you might be fooling yourself — she (the drag/gay porn director persona of Larry) has directed hundreds (thousands? is too lazy to do research) of titles you may have used your dominant hand to “enjoy.” Watch on, trannies.
A great novel, and an even better Cornell-themed game.
This morning, the Undergraduate Student Elections began, and, with online voting continuing until Thursday morning, you probably want to spend every waking minute contemplating what candidate will serve you best — especially considering that this is the first time that the student body at large has been privileged enough to directly elect the S.A. President and Vice President. The best candidate will be humbly intelligent, modestly eloquent, and — most important of all — wildly popular. Just to make sure your vote “counts,” why not rank the candidates based on how popular they are on Facebook? The problem that this wily blogger par excellence encountered was that almost all of the candidates were wise enough to protect their profiles, so I couldn’t access the total number of friends they had in the Cornell network. Luckily, you can still see how many mutual friends you have in common, so the game is simple:
B(l)I(n)G(ee) RED RELIEF 2K9. A bit tasteless, I know.
Thanks to iMovie, we bring you this poorly constructed video montage of Friday night’s Big Red Relief Charity Concert. Enjoy, and pardon my shaky hands. I was born with them, okay?
College ACB's logo. Vaguely communist? Get McCarthy on this shit, stat.
Once before, CornellWatch has potentially offended differently-abled people in order to accurately insult a college gossip site. Well, folks, tonight we are stooping to that level again: the fallen JuicyCampus.com now redirects to a new college gossip site entitled CollegeACB.com, which is legimately even more retarded than both Juicy and PoshSociety. ACB stands for Anonymous Confession Board, which sounds like a place where a Yalie would go to ask for penance after they broke into the dining hall to steal milkshakes when they were high. In any case, CollegeACB is trying to take a similar “positive” angle on college gossip as PoshSociety, as per their terms of use:
There is life after Cornell, apparently, and sometimes it involves working in New York City and making fun satirical Web sites. At least that’s what worked out for Kitsch’s very own Samantha Henig, who corresponded with me via e-mail about being the co-creator of a Web site called IThoughtObamaWouldGetMeLaid.com. The site satirizes what Henig, along with fellow co-creators Jonah Green (friend) and Jessica Zimmerman (sister), perceived as the unrealistic expectations to which voters held then-president-elect Obama. Check it out: each time you click on the big block text, it refreshes into another hysterically delusional conjecture. Personal favorite: “I thought Obama would nominate a Secretary of Cute Bunnies and Kitties.” A boy can dream, can’t he?
CornellWatch: How did you, Jonah, and Jess come up with the idea?
Jonah and I were gchatting during work, complaining about what a bad time it is in the book/magazine industry and various more superficial complaints (my junk-food-binge-induced achey body, his alcohol-and-salt-induced puffy face), and the idea grew really organically and almost instantly out of that.
Disclaimer: The frequently ill-informed opinions contained within CornellWatch do not in any way, shape, or form represent those of the glorious administration of Cornell University.
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There is life after Cornell, apparently, and sometimes it involves working in New York City and making fun satirical Web sites. At least that’s what worked out for Kitsch’s very own Samantha Henig, who corresponded with me via e-mail about being the co-creator of a Web site called IThoughtObamaWouldGetMeLaid.com. The site satirizes what Henig, along with fellow co-creators Jonah Green (friend) and Jessica Zimmerman (sister), perceived as the unrealistic expectations to which voters held then-president-elect Obama. Check it out: each time you click on the big block text, it refreshes into another hysterically delusional conjecture. Personal favorite: “I thought Obama would nominate a Secretary of Cute Bunnies and Kitties.” A boy can dream, can’t he?
