So, this might just get national attention and I can still pre-empt the Daily Sun, so here’s something my friend Chris Donohoe send to me. Chris is a really nice guy, and — sorry dude — we’ve pretty much known he was gay since freshman year. In any case, he is a gay man of faith and that’s something that the religious group he was involved with couldn’t learn to tolerate:
Tomorrow (Thursday, April 23) an article will run in the Cornell Daily Sun. It will showcase the following information.
At the beginning of this academic year I (Chris Donohoe) was asked to step down from my leadership position with a religious organization (Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship) on campus after coming out of the closet. Although the university is taking aggressive action to address this injustice, it is time for the LGBT community and its allies to unite.
Have you ever had the passing notion that Cornell University might secretly be a front of a giant drug operation? That Big Red might be in cahoots with Big Pharma? Well, a tipster sent on an interesting little Google search (at left) this morning that seems to confirm all of our worst fears. Although it might be pretty sweet to be able to have those magical anxiety-dissolving pills of Xanax to lull cracked-out midnight oil-burners to sleep. Not satisfied, I investigated the fishy matter on library.cornell.edu further by — of course — searching “Xanax” in their little engine of their own.
While the recession of the century becomes a tiring pop culture trend story, academic institutions are facing a real economic crisis, a trend epitomized in the recent advice book How to Survive without a Golden Parachute. With such perilous uncertainty ahead, the wizards of Cornell, Incorporated (that is to say, the men behind the curtain) are turning to more “alternative” means of financial planning. After several attempts to schedule a meeting with John Edward of Crossing Over, the superstar psychic repeatedly declined, commenting: “My unreal ability to speak to peoples’ deceased loved ones doesn’t qualify me to make a financial forecast.”
Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards. Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris. The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”
Thanks to the terrific investigatory work of the Sun, we now know that (1) post-feminist, former burlesque act, and kind of made-up band the Pussycat Dolls are headlining Slope Day and, since the Programming Board were pretty much obligated to make an announcement on the performers, that (2) proto-collegian, former middlebrow Philly suburb resident, and somewhat bothersome white rapper Asher Roth is opening for the glamor-sluts. Oh, and (3) that, unlike the past four years, there is no ostensible third act in sight ($_$ woes?). Asher is a solid second choice, b/c he’s all about wearing self-referential shirts that say COLLEGE like that rly classy Animal House guy and drinking beers and smoking weeds. Plus, I think he is descended from a line of people that often attend college and own lots of fancy things. Also, he was an early education major before his mad good flow got “discovered” so his performance will def be super-educational! Check out his “I Love College” video after da jump.
The Green Cafe opened today at 4pm, to a throng of mostly college students who packed the place with a line out the door and around the corner of College and Dryden. I didn’t have the patience to wait for the “LOT OF FREE TASTING” but I did catch a quick listen of the “DJ MUSIC.” A friend told me the generously gratis food was delish, and the place looks fab in general — three words: shiny red stoolthings. It’s truly refreshing to finally fill one of Collegetown’s pathologically empty storefronts — let’s hope this one weathers the whims of college kids and the oddly business-unfriendly regulations of the City of Ithaca. Click through for an inside view.
If you are a gay man who doesn’t know who Larry Paciotti is, that’s forgivable. But if you gay men don’t know Chi Chi LaRue, you might be fooling yourself — she (the drag/gay porn director persona of Larry) has directed hundreds (thousands? is too lazy to do research) of titles you may have used your dominant hand to “enjoy.” Watch on, trannies.
As they say, the Pun rises in the yeast. What I mean by this is that the newly elected Daily Sun’s 127th Editorial Board loves to pun, and also that this new Sun is “rising” in an alcohol-fermented haze much akin to the Friday mornings of most “journalists.” On all counts, I wholeheartedly approve! Mostly because they layered on the puns so thick it makes me look like, I dunno, someone who is not that big of a pun fan. Someone like Sarah Palin, maybe. Anyway, here’s just a taste of the pun-dried tomatoes that discerning punsters may chuckle about while pundering over the Board’s intropuntory article:
B(l)I(n)G(ee) RED RELIEF 2K9. A bit tasteless, I know.
Thanks to iMovie, we bring you this poorly constructed video montage of Friday night’s Big Red Relief Charity Concert. Enjoy, and pardon my shaky hands. I was born with them, okay?
Breaking: Guy with funny last name (above) will drone on for a number of minutes in front of a bunch of hungover college kids on Sat, May 23. He apparently doesn’t appreciate the grammatical intricacies of the dash — and neither do we! — so we’ll save the commentary for more qualified commentators and just repost the notification email:
Dear Seniors,
On behalf of the 2009 Convocation Committee, I am pleased to announce that Mr. David Plouffe, Chief Campaign Manager of Obama for America, President Barack Obama’s historic presidential campaign, will headline the Class of 2009’s Convocation Ceremony on Saturday, May 23, 2009.
Our committee sought an individual who has had a profound impact on the society that our class has been prepared to enter. Mr. Plouffe was the mastermind behind one of the most significant and groundbreaking elections in our nation’s history. His insights and leadership helped transform a little known state senator from Illinois to the leader of the free world.
Apples and Peels Un-Cause Cancer: New CU research says it! Believe! "Sick prank": So saith an Ithaca Fire Lt. of a mannequin found facedown in the gorge. I say it's kind of funny, in a horrible way? Doctors Are Paid More than Presidents: "At Cornell, Dr. Zev Rosenwaks of the Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility received $3,149,376..." D-Skortz only made around $700k. Cornell Dots Will Cure Cancer!: What exactly are these "C dots"? "The cluster of dye molecules in a single dot fluoresces under near-infrared light much more brightly than single dye molecules, and the fluorescence will identify malignant cells, showing a surgeon exactly what needs to be cut out and helping ensure that all malignant cells are found." Nominate Ur Fwendz: Do u no some1 who iz rly gud at there like orgunizashun? Nom' them 4 a Student Organization Award or Recognition (SOAR! Far above!). Due Thurz. "Budget Bondage": Has the recession been cutting into your plan to one-up Goatse by utilizing expensive state-of-the-art anus-expanding instruments? Then this event is perfect for YOU. Popular Gay Blog Covers Kiss-In: Towleroad, a supercool popular gay blog has applauded Cornell's homo kiss-in on Ho(mo) Plaza. Take that, Review! Hydraulics Lab Collapses: And no administrations even notice, as notes MetaEzra. CWatch Quoted in a Sun op-ed: Thanks, Miz Witte! Also: I had my estemeed editor Peter Fritch check out my Gaza flags piece, and now it's 100% error-free. Check it out. Best Cornell-Related Correction Ever: After pointing out an error about A.D. White's supposed publication of an article 50 years after his death, Trineesh Biswas further lashes his acid tongue against the author: "We can only hope that Mr. Mandelman's gloomy prognostications about the futility of debt-fuelled fiscal stimulus will prove to be equally inaccurate."
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Breaking: Guy with funny last name (above) will drone on for a number of minutes in front of a bunch of hungover college kids on Sat, May 23. He apparently 