CornellWatch

As they say, the Pun rises in the yeast. What I mean by this is that the newly elected Daily Sun’s 127th Editorial Board loves to pun, and also that this new Sun is “rising” in an alcohol-fermented haze much akin to the Friday mornings of most “journalists.” On all counts, I wholeheartedly approve! Mostly because they layered on the puns so thick it makes me look like, I dunno, someone who is not that big of a pun fan. Someone like Sarah Palin, maybe. Anyway, here’s just a taste of the pun-dried tomatoes that discerning punsters may chuckle about while pundering over the Board’s intropuntory article:

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Thanks to iMovie, we bring you this poorly constructed video montage of Friday night’s Big Red Relief Charity Concert. Enjoy, and pardon my shaky hands. I was born with them, okay?

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Breaking: Guy with funny last name (above) will drone on for a number of minutes in front of a bunch of hungover college kids on Sat, May 23. He apparently doesn’t appreciate the grammatical intricacies of the dash — and neither do we! — so we’ll save the commentary for more qualified commentators and just repost the notification email:

Dear Seniors,

On behalf of the 2009 Convocation Committee, I am pleased to announce that Mr. David Plouffe, Chief Campaign Manager of Obama for America, President Barack Obama’s historic presidential campaign, will headline the Class of 2009’s Convocation Ceremony on Saturday, May 23, 2009.

Our committee sought an individual who has had a profound impact on the society that our class has been prepared to enter. Mr. Plouffe was the mastermind behind one of the most significant and groundbreaking elections in our nation’s history.  His insights and leadership helped transform a little known state senator from Illinois to the leader of the free world.

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Everybody thought I was crazy when I prophesized that Ludacris was coming to Cornell at the expense of our women’s purity. Everybody thought I was even crazier when I further explained that Shawnna, Luda’s lady friend thing, was tagging along at the expense of our men’s. But the tickets are sold out, fools! The hour of (sl)utmost harlotry is nigh! And if you don’t believe me, just know one thing: people like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore. PS: Concert info and an interview with the event’s PR flackette after the jump.

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Apples and Peels Un-Cause Cancer: New CU research says it! Believe!

“Sick prank”: So saith an Ithaca Fire Lt. of a mannequin found facedown in the gorge. I say it’s kind of funny, in a horrible way?

Doctors Are Paid More than Presidents: “At Cornell, Dr. Zev Rosenwaks of the Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility received $3,149,376…” D-Skortz only made around $700k.

Cornell Dots Will Cure Cancer!: What exactly are these “C dots”? “The cluster of dye molecules in a single dot fluoresces under near-infrared light much more brightly than single dye molecules, and the fluorescence will identify malignant cells, showing a surgeon exactly what needs to be cut out and helping ensure that all malignant cells are found.”

Nominate Ur Fwendz: Do u no some1 who iz rly gud at there like orgunizashun? Nom’ them 4 a Student Organization Award or Recognition (SOAR! Far above!). Due Thurz.

“Budget Bondage”: Has the recession been cutting into your plan to one-up Goatse by utilizing expensive state-of-the-art anus-expanding instruments? Then this event is perfect for YOU.

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Since Peter Fritch and I have already covered the ongoing campus debate about the recent flare-up in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict here and here, we’re going to present the following pictures of the new, “pro-Israel” Arts Quad display without comment. A note: I’m not sure if I got all of the signs, but my fingers were about to freeze off and lose grip of my precious, precious camphone, so take it or leave it.

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For years, Russell Athletics wooed the Cornell Store with cheap sportswear, adorning their children/students with Big Red sweatshirts, Big Red sweatpants, and Big Red fatsuits. Their relationship grew so strong that Russell comprised around 15 percent of the Store’s apparel sales last year — at this apex of their romance, they thought nothing could bring them down. Unfortunately for the two starry-eyed lovers, there was trouble in paradise: trouble being Russell’s death threats to newly unionized workers, and paradise being a Honduran factory. Luckily, the Store was quietly informed of Russell’s human rights abuses by COLA (Cornell Organization for Labor Action), when the workers’ rights activists displayed the curiously illuminating banner pictured at right on last Wed, Feb 19. The very next day, the University quit Russell in much the same way one quits a lover who, by golly, beats his Honduran foster kids. The press release:

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Has anyone seen any of the panelists from the Gaza in Crisis Discussion Panel hosted by the Cornell International Affairs Review (with various other groups, ranging from MECA to Tommy Bruce’s office to the International Soccer Club) on Wednesday? From what I heard, the moderator prefaced the discussion by stating that he knows very little about Gaza, proceeding to cite a summary from Wikipedia in a room full of well-informed, emotionally charged college students. I wouldn’t be surprised if the panelists were shanked walking home that night.

For those actually wanting to engage in a dialogue, meaning the Islamic Alliance for Justice (IAJ), Hillel, Cornell Israel Public Affairs Committee (CIPAC), and the Daily Sun herself, a real panel discussion was held the next day in the same exact room (Lewis Auditorium), one in which the panelists (gasp!) seemed to know what they were talking about.

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Most of Cornell’s class-attending pedestrians have encountered the earnest appeals of various student groups’ clunky quad displays. I, for one, have calmly settled into the habit of taking their message to heart, and then promptly forgetting it sometime during my requisite mid-lecture nap. After all, it’s a little unrealistic to envision a talking fetus named Elena, especially one giving you facts about her developing organs that she wouldn’t learn until at least ninth grade biology class.

When the encounter involves some 1,300 black flags commemorating the deaths of those killed in the most recent flare-up of the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict, as it did this Monday morning when they were installed, it’s a little harder to criticize the reality of the message or to exorcise it with a nap. Adding fuel to the fire, the flags’ accompanying signs — statements from the UN and Amnesty International about casualties and humanitarian aid — were vandalized by three seemingly “pro-Israel” students later that day. While that situation was quickly rectified and the signs restored, the worst was to come Wednesday night, when the flags were transfigured into a Star of David under cover of darkness, finally garnering the attention of President David Skorton. Here’s an excerpt of the statement he released this afternoon, which neglected to mention the whole, um, Star of David thing:
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Once before, CornellWatch has potentially offended differently-abled people in order to accurately insult a college gossip site. Well, folks, tonight we are stooping to that level again: the fallen JuicyCampus.com now redirects to a new college gossip site entitled CollegeACB.com, which is legimately even more retarded than both Juicy and PoshSociety. ACB stands for Anonymous Confession Board, which sounds like a place where a Yalie would go to ask for penance after they broke into the dining hall to steal milkshakes when they were high. In any case, CollegeACB is trying to take a similar “positive” angle on college gossip as PoshSociety, as per their terms of use:

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