CornellWatch

Since everybody’s getting back into town, welcome to Ithaca! Here’s what’s going on:

1) Suspension Bridge Gorge Closed Off: That’s right, they’ve fenced off the path down to the best sun-bathing gorge in all of Ithaca! Because, three officers ”valiantly” standing guard told me, two people had drowned in the gorge already this summer. [Update: Only one student, Doug Lowe ‘11, died while swimming the gorges this summer.] Luckily, some criminally mischievous pranksters have already committed rebellious actions against the nameless administrative power who perpetrated this stainless steel stain upon our beauteous gorge. At least the heinous Big Red Arches had some (empty) ideal to aspire to… all these assemblages of metal remind me of is a fascist lockdown.

2) IthPo Hate On College Parties: Nothing new here, but it seemed to me that the Ithaca Police Department was out in especially full force last night, trying to make sure overeager freshmen didn’t get overintoxicated and overstay their welcome in Collegetown. This would be one of those totally anecdotal trend stories, sort of like the ones Newsweek and Time run, but then I checked the IthPo police logs: so many noise complaints! (Comparable to past years, though? You do the research; I’m too lazy.)

3) New Student Orientationizing Commences! There’s all sorts of EXCITING, EXCITING events going on in “The Orientation Files.” Like the Swim Test and Alcohol Education and Advanced Placement Exams! But don’t tell anyone we told you… they’re all TOP SECRET. Unless of course you manage to stumble upon one of the precious few thousands that were printed. Luckily for you, we managed to spider-crawl through some red and green laser sensors and got our hands on this copy of the freshman guide. And in case you thought those programs didn’t do shit for the new freshies, the Daily Sun did some stellar, hard-hitting reporting and discovered that the program is designed to help students adapt to life at Cornell. Make sure you mention this as you nudge the person who fell asleep next to you in Tapestry of Possibilities: Diversity at Cornell.

Got anything more to add? Email us at watch@kitschmag.com.

Here’s one scenario: 

Hobbling back from the library, a young college co-ed notices out of the corner of her eye a shiny new Lexus gleaming in the lamplight. She makes her way toward her apartment complex, arms full of books, and the car moves closer, revealing a dashing young blonde suitor with a fraternity-lettered sweathshirt on. As he passes, the studious young paramour catches his lusty eye, and he resolves to return once again to court his one true love.

The next week, he returns at the same time and asks her if she needs a ride; she demurely shakes her head no. He glides off into the night, hoping to chance upon her at a more socially opportune moment: perhaps when she is very drunk at a party.

A slight variation of the scenario follows after the break. This one replaces “shiny red Lexus” with “rusty old pick-up truck”; “fraternity lettered-sweatshirt” with “a black t-shirt with writing on it”; and ”dashing young blonde suitor” with “white male in his early 30s.”

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Doris Davis, associate provost for admissions and enrollment, gave the peering eyes of the Cornell Daily Sun a little glimpse into the vast, tinkering machine that is the Undergraduate Admissions Office.

Davis’s best stuff: “Essentially, Cornell tries to admit as many students as we can without over-enrolling,” she stated. “I think some of the peer schools try to admit as few students as possible.”

Our admit rate ended up being 20.4%. Compared to Harvard’s 7.1%, ours seems rather “unelitist,” but admissions rates don’t really tell us much. For more information on the byzantine workings of the admissions world, read this epic New Yorker article detailing the “social logic of Ivy League admissions.”

Gannett Health Services and the Tompkins County Health Department are working together to make the community aware of the occurrence of multiple cases of syphilis in Tompkins County, including several in the Cornell community–student, faculty, and staff.

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Matthew Nagowski of metaezra.com does the math: Today the Daily Sun made the ground-breaking mathematical discovery that a number greater than 10,000 was equal in magnitude to a number less than 10,000.

Interestingly enough, members of esteemed physics circles such as the Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment have been making this exact same claim for years…. Is Jasmine Marcus, the author of the article in question, perhaps a Ramtha in disguise? The questions, it seems, are more numerous than the answers. In the words of that creepy old guy who narrated the Rocky Horror Show, “Who could say - for questions such as these are not to be answered by the academic. They must be left for the heart to solve and Brad you may be sure, had plenty of heart.”

Metaezra.com reports Cornell’s departure from the Ivy League, which is actually a basketball sports conference and not a get-together on Nantucket for good ol’ boys. Now that we’re not actually Ivy anymore, where’s our prestige?

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  This entry was originally posted on April 1st as an April Fools’ Day joke. An apology was issued one week later and the post removed in response to a large amount of negative feedback, but it was, as I explain in this later piece published in an campus political publication, a sorry excuse for a real apology. As part of owning up to my mistakes in a more sincere way, I have reposted the offending piece in full and published a “meta-apology” in the online version of the Daily Sun.

President David Skorton announced the plans for the construction of an Asian Community Center at a midday press conference today. The building is to be located directly adjacent to Uris Library on the Clocktower Side, and will be designed by the famous architect I. M. Pei.

“I believe that this building will dramatically reduce the amount of Asian suicides at Cornell,” Skorton announced. “We also plan to fill in the gorges with those chewy bubble tea orbs so that distraught students will have to rely on other methods.”

Among the center’s many features are the Pokemon Card Trading Arena, the Mi-So Slipi Lounge equipped with 100 beds for study break naps, and one-seater dining areas with calculators built into the tables. Many students are most excited, however, about the center’s Lucky Sun Moon Restaurant, which features MSG, beef with broccoli, and cat-fish casserole, which incorporates not catfish but a mixture of cat and flounder.

“Our plans were substantially modified after meeting with the Asian and Asian-American community,” said architect I. M. Pei. “The original plans called for an underground parking lot, but it was scrapped based on the projected amount of parking mishaps. That was something I did not foresee, perhaps because of my squinty eyes.”

Most Asian students jumped for joy upon hearing the news. Student Mi-So Honee remarked, “Is so close to libelly!”

Other students were appreciative that the name was changed from the Little Rice Room Place. “Besides being a sirry name, I couldn’t rearry pronounce arr those R and Ls,” said Henry Joon-Kimyung-Jook.

ED’S NOTE: I’m not really this lacist… but then, again maybe everyone is:

I know this isn’t Cornell-related, but it’s college-related enough. All South Park episodes are available at no charge at SouthParkStudios.com, so you no longer have to gamble on shitty quality, unreliable streams from the likes of allsp.com.

 There’s some ads, and the current season won’t be up until April 14th, but otherwise it’s all good!

Did Dr. Claudia Henschke receive money for lung cancer research from a cigarette company?

Yes, the NYT reports. Funny that they did a story on her unconventional methods only 2 years ago.

But the real question is whether Cornell Weill Medical knowingly tried to hide the money in an obscure charity called the Foundation for Lung Cancer: Early Detection, Prevention & Treatment. Back in 2000, the cig giant issued a press release stating that it intended to donate $2.4 million to Weill Medical to fund Henschke’s research, but then the foundation was formed hastily and money funneled through the sketchy charity. Smells like a scandal to me.

 P.S: A less talked-about Cornell scandal…