CornellWatch

So this was first reported by Guest of a Guest (where I used to work, oddly enough), and now has hit Gawker. The exchange between the two sexting fiends is hilariously porny, and contains gems such as: “And I will be SO FUCKING HORNY after I get done SPANKING that FINE ASS of yours for hours, you’ll be FULL for a week after you swallow me! And I hear that CUM is an excellent source of protein, as well as other nutrients!!! ”

Also: “Because more than half the time, I’m actually just fixing for just Jake as Trevor has already eaten half the house by the time I get home. And the minute we come in the door, Jake is heading straight for his highchair and wanting fed before I even have my coat off. So I fix him something quick (grilled cheese, omelet, etc.). Or over the weekend I’m make a big pot of something so we can have leftovers, which Jake and Trevor don’t mind, but I get sick of them within a day or two and resort back to popcorn.I’m bad, I know.I think I need a good spanking.and to be put on my knees and force fed.”

The thing is, I’ve talked to a number of undergrads in various colleges who have NOT received these incriminating e-mails, so Gawker and Guest are wrong to say that the entire campus was cc’ed. I’ve just confirmed, actually, via an old Sunny friend of mine who has a friend in the business school, that only the Johnson School of Management was cc’d on these emails. For reference, 267 students were admitted to the MBA program in 2009 and 272 were admitted in 2010. That’s much less of a colossal fuck-up than sending it out to the over 15,000 students and grad students under the full umbrella of Cornell’s numerous colleges and schools.

Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). Read the rest of this entry »

An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.

If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever had the passing notion that Cornell University might secretly be a front of a giant drug operation? That Big Red might be in cahoots with Big Pharma? Well, a tipster sent on an interesting little Google search (at left) this morning that seems to confirm all of our worst fears. Although it might be pretty sweet to be able to have those magical anxiety-dissolving pills of Xanax to lull cracked-out midnight oil-burners to sleep. Not satisfied, I investigated the fishy matter on library.cornell.edu further by — of course — searching “Xanax” in their little engine of their own.

Read the rest of this entry »

While the recession of the century becomes a tiring pop culture trend story, academic institutions are facing a real economic crisis, a trend epitomized in the recent advice book How to Survive without a Golden Parachute. With such perilous uncertainty ahead, the wizards of Cornell, Incorporated (that is to say, the men behind the curtain) are turning to more “alternative” means of financial planning.  After several attempts to schedule a meeting with John Edward of Crossing Over, the superstar psychic repeatedly declined, commenting: “My unreal ability to speak to peoples’ deceased loved ones doesn’t qualify me to make a financial forecast.”

Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards.  Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris.  The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to the terrific investigatory work of the Sun, we now know that (1) post-feminist, former burlesque act, and kind of made-up band the Pussycat Dolls are headlining Slope Day and, since the Programming Board were pretty much obligated to make an announcement on the performers, that (2) proto-collegian, former middlebrow Philly suburb resident, and somewhat bothersome white rapper Asher Roth is opening for the glamor-sluts. Oh, and (3) that, unlike the past four years, there is no ostensible third act in sight ($_$ woes?). Asher is a solid second choice, b/c he’s all about wearing self-referential shirts that say COLLEGE like that rly classy Animal House guy and drinking beers and smoking weeds. Plus, I think he is descended from a line of people that often attend college and own lots of fancy things. Also, he was an early education major before his mad good flow got “discovered” so his performance will def be super-educational! Check out his “I Love College” video after da jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Green Cafe opened today at 4pm, to a throng of mostly college students who packed the place with a line out the door and around the corner of College and Dryden. I didn’t have the patience to wait for the “LOT OF FREE TASTING” but I did catch a quick listen of the “DJ MUSIC.” A friend told me the generously gratis food was delish, and the place looks fab in general — three words: shiny red stoolthings. It’s truly refreshing to finally fill one of Collegetown’s pathologically empty storefronts — let’s hope this one weathers the whims of college kids and the oddly business-unfriendly regulations of the City of Ithaca. Click through for an inside view.

Read the rest of this entry »

With a little investigative work of my own, I located the infamous Linden Ave “crack house” of Daily Sun fame — the one that got raided by a busful of 10 heroin-seeking SWAT guys last Sunday night. Cam-phone in hand, I approached what I hoped to be a cesspool of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness. As I steadied my trigger finger, I was pleasantly surprised to note that the “drug den” in question looked like most other shitty slumlord-owned basement apartments in Collegetown — random crap littered about, musty blankets stuffed against the window so as to shield passers-by from inside activities, paint chipping off a poor excuse for “siding.” So much for a cautionary tale… or was it?

Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!

Read the rest of this entry »

Being from the lamest borough in New York City (Staten Island, in case you’re from Minnesota), I always took solace in the fact that there were far lamer regions nearby, with which my island could compete and (hopefully) come out on top. There’s the epic battle waged between the people from my ‘hood (my Irish people’s and the Italians’) and Long Island (the Jews’), a battle in which the points of contention were based on the same embarrassing features: annoying accents, materialism amongst its consumer sheeple residents, lack of subway access to Manhattan. With a landfill so massive you can see it from outer space, the battle arguably resulted in Long Island’s favor. Nevertheless, we always had Jersey to agree upon, elevating our geographic (and therefore cultural) superiority. While at Cornell, however, I learned of a strange hilly region directly to the northeast of New York City, a place where, in 1961, some sorry resident emptied her vaginal cavity of one Ann Hart Coulter — our most embarrassing alumna who recently claimed that the Ag School is not a part of the Ivy League.

Read the rest of this entry »

This morning, the Undergraduate Student Elections began, and, with online voting continuing until Thursday morning, you probably want to spend every waking minute contemplating what candidate will serve you best — especially considering that this is the first time that the student body at large has been privileged enough to directly elect the S.A. President and Vice President. The best candidate will be humbly intelligent, modestly eloquent, and — most important of all — wildly popular. Just to make sure your vote “counts,” why not rank the candidates based on how popular they are on Facebook? The problem that this wily blogger par excellence encountered was that almost all of the candidates were wise enough to protect their profiles, so I couldn’t access the total number of friends they had in the Cornell network. Luckily, you can still see how many mutual friends you have in common, so the game is simple:

Read the rest of this entry »