Also: “Because more than half the time, I’m actually just fixing for just Jake as Trevor has already eaten half the house by the time I get home. And the minute we come in the door, Jake is heading straight for his highchair and wanting fed before I even have my coat off. So I fix him something quick (grilled cheese, omelet, etc.). Or over the weekend I’m make a big pot of something so we can have leftovers, which Jake and Trevor don’t mind, but I get sick of them within a day or two and resort back to popcorn.I’m bad, I know.I think I need a good spanking.and to be put on my knees and force fed.”

The thing is, I’ve talked to a number of undergrads in various colleges who have NOT received these incriminating e-mails, so Gawker and Guest are wrong to say that the entire campus was cc’ed. I’ve just confirmed, actually, via an old Sunny friend of mine who has a friend in the business school, that only the Johnson School of Management was cc’d on these emails. For reference, 267 students were admitted to the MBA program in 2009 and 272 were admitted in 2010. That’s much less of a colossal fuck-up than sending it out to the over 15,000 students and grad students under the full umbrella of Cornell’s numerous colleges and schools.

Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). And, although Skorton was both drily eloquent and soberly charming when my senior self spoke with him, he didn’t seem to have much to offer in the way of practical advice for seniors who have been fucked in the ass by a shitty job market, one that’s moreover flooded with recent laid-off bitches who are considerably more “senior” than us. “You’ll land on your feet,” he told us right before we toasted the Class of ‘09 with our recently bought $5 champagne glasses. We’ll be fine. Just fine! Right. D-Skortz had earlier told me that I still ought to consider newspapers. (Yawn.) And to talk to University spokesman Tommy Bruce, who I already know. “I often speak fairly unfavorably about the University administration,” I told him. In other words: What’s a brash blogger to do in these days? Skorton said that even critics can get jobs. You know, talking to Tommy might actually be a good option. Damn you and your good sense, D-Skortz. Maybe I will land on my feet. Also: good luck, Class of ‘09. Srsly.

An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.

If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”

Except it only quotes one of the Misfortunate Twenty-Five, whose bitter dejected/rejected ass obviously whines about what is really just a fairly excusable administrative error. Quoth the sore loser: “I can’t believe Cornell would be that irresponsible.” ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆dpwFN C

Oh sorry, just fell asleep on my keyboard. Where were we? Oh, right. The story continues on Page 4, with the wonderful new headline: “Rejected Students Outraged Over Financial Aid Office’s E-mail Debacle.” Chocolate outrage, y’all. De-BAC-le. Outraged author Lucy Li goes on to describe a far more colossal fuck-up on the Left Coast:

Cornell is not the only school that had issues with e-mail regarding applications and admissions this year. The University of California, San Diego, mistakenly sent acceptance e-mails to all 46,377 students who applied for admission, including the 29,000 applicants who were rejected, according to NBC San Diego.

I trust NBC, even though they’re totally owned by General Electric, but I don’t trust any news outlet in San Diego after that eye-openingly revelatory documentary Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. In any case, the climactic editorialization of a sentence:

These 29,000 students’ brief moments of bliss [because U.C. San Diego is HEAVEN ON EARTH] were crushed [CRUSHED!] when UCSD emailed [sic: you've been using hyphens all along! between the "e" and the "mails." consistency fail.] out their rejection letters two hours later.

I’m glad we have these sorts of tragic news stories to keep us from thinking about, you know, real tragedies like Darfur and Rwanda and starving kids in AfriChina. Also, like how the Green Cafe didn’t have ANY milk to serve my friend when she went there at 5am this morning. Seriously, I’m not fucking kidding you. I feel for her. I feel CHOCOLATE OUTRAGE for her.

While we’re at it (read: actually reading the Sun), there’s a purposefully hilarious story on Page 5. Headline is “Bowling Green State University Bans Art Depicting Oral Sex.” YES. I’m copying it here so it will live in PERPETUITY.

“Sami Drops a Deuce,” “John Put His Head in the Oven” and “The Man Who Hasn’t Seen His Genitals in Years” are just some of the titles of sculptures Bowling Green State University senior administrators deemed “appropriate.” However, roughly two weeks ago, those administrators removed a sculpture from an exhibit on the university’s Firelands Campus titled “The Middle School Science Teacher Makes a Decision He’ll Live to Regret,” sparking a heated controversy surrounding issues of art censorship, freedom of expression and child pornography.

According a news release from BGSU, the sculpture “graphically depicts a female middle school student, on her knees, performing oral sex on a standing male middle school science teacher.”

On March 17, David Sapp, an art professor at BGSU Firelands and director of the Little Gallery, was asked by Firelands Interim Dean James Smith to take down the sculpture because there were complaints that Smith worried would result in “problems with the press” or “legal” issues of the sculpture being labeled as “child pornography,” according to a memorandum Sapp sent to all faculty and staff at BGSU Firelands.

After Sapp refused to remove the sculpture, BGSU Interim Provost Mark Gromko directed Smith to remove the artwork.

According to Sapp, the sculpture was “near the window of the gallery, but could not be seen unless you walked into the gallery.” However, BGSU administrators were concerned that children attending the McBride Auditorium, located adjacent to the gallery, “may have been directly affected by the specific criminal act depicted.”

“As an institution of higher education, Bowling Green State University strongly supports the right of free speech and artistic expression. However, we also have a responsibility and obligation to not expose the children and families we invite to our campus to inappropriate material,” the news release said.

Despite the administration’s concern, Sapp said the McBride Auditorium is not exclusively a children’s theater and he had asked the director to keep the door locked and the gallery closed during children’s theater productions.

Sapp said the art exhibits at the Little Gallery are meant to “promote thought, discussion and a meaningful visual experience in a responsible way,” and he urged his colleagues to be aware of the “visceral force” and “tone” of the administrators at BGSU.

“The dean has established a very dangerous precedent for censorship in the Little Gallery and within every part of the college,” Sapp said in the memorandum. “The dean has severely undermined the very nature of the learning environment at Firelands College.”

After administrators censored the sculpture, Sapp closed the entire exhibit of 13 sculptures and is considering resigning from his position as director.

Other sculptures in the exhibit titled “A Bakers Dozen” depicted events or situations connected with the artist’s life, such as his wife combing his daughter’s hair, personal friends who committed suicide or social issues such as obesity.

“Each one is telling a little story, and this was just a series of little stories about people I know, things I’ve read, my family; they’re basically domestic stories in many ways,” said James Parlin, the exhibition’s artist and chair of the art department at Edinboro University in Pennsylvania.

Parlin said it wasn’t necessary for BGSU administrators to remove the sculpture and he supported Sapp’s decision to close the exhibit entirely. The aluminum sculpture in question is about “moral decision making,” Parlin said.

“The intent was to show someone making a bad decision, and I showed the man staring forward at his future of disgrace. In other words, it’s about a bad choice and the consequences of that bad choice,” Parlin said. “I was blindsided by this whole thing; I never expected anything like this in a million years. I didn’t plan this, for god’s sake.”

Parlin said he was not notified before the sculpture was removed, and he said it would have been easy to restrict access to children while still allowing adults to view the artwork. According to Parlin, American society benefits from freedom of expression and institutions of higher education such as BGSU should be environments that “honor that principle.”

“I like to be able to read what I want, listen to what I want, see what I want, and I don’t like other people making that decision for me,” Parlin said. “I think it’s an enormous mistake when we let other people decide that for any of us. Now protecting children is a different issue; I protect my own children.”

The controversy surrounding the sculpture is surprising because so few people have actually seen the artwork, Parlin said.

“This whole controversy is about a piece that virtually no one has seen. It’s not about the piece of sculpture; it can’t be because no one has seen it,” he said.

Nathan Trask, a junior majoring in liberal arts at the BGSU Firelands campus, said he saw the exhibit in its entirety and participated in protests following the administration’s decision to censor the sculpture. Trask said the exhibit wasn’t “overly impressive.”

“It was really more the social ramifications that were involved, the girl giving oral sex to a teacher and a few people committing suicide,” Trask said.

According to Trask, public institutions shouldn’t have the ability to censor art and the ramifications of BGSU censoring artwork reach far beyond Parlin’s sculpture.

“Institutions are supposed to further emotional and social and all sorts of learning, and to tamper with this side of learning, you cannot get the overall learning experience that you’re supposed to get from a state university,” Trask said. “People are careful what they say all the time; they’re careful what they write; they’re careful what they create in art classes because they don’t want all this outrage happening, and it really should be the opposite way.”

Tom Lingeman, an art professor at the University of Toledo, said the BGSU Firelands situation is “clearly” an example of censorship. Lingeman said he can’t be sure about anything specifically because he hasn’t personally seen the sculpture, however, “as far as [he] can tell there is a child sensitivity issue.”

Lingeman said he believes the BGSU administrators have to consider child sensitivity, but other choices could have been made to prevent closing the entire exhibit.

“If indeed the proximity of this to the involuntary viewing of children is a problem, then that needs to be considered,” Lingeman said. “In certain cases, censorship can protect those people who do not have the capability of accurately rationalizing what they see.”

According to Lingeman, the exhibit should have featured a warning label just as films or television shows feature parental guidance warnings.

“Censorship is practiced every day, and we don’t raise eyebrows about it all the time,” he said.

The exhibition policy at The Center for the Visual Arts in Toledo “promotes freedom of expression without restriction on content or form. The views expressed … are those of the exhibitors and may not be those of the department or the university.”

Lingeman said it is UT’s policy not to censor, and students are encouraged to freely express themselves through their artwork. In addition to encouraging UT students, Lingeman said he thinks Parlin should “make sculptures of whatever he wants and to show it. … However, the viewer should be warned that others have looked at the work and deemed it to be potentially … sexually explicit or violent.”

Sapp and BGSU administrators could not be reached for comments beyond the official news releases.

Indecipherable spam jargon! On a clearly library-affiliated page! The horror! I forwarded my findings onto the tipster, telling myself that the Xanax peddlers were crazy Canadian webtards and not, as I had hoped, Johnson and Johnson or Pfizer or even Bayer. He responded back five minutes later that he didn’t see anything wrong with the page I’d sent him. I renavigated back, and thank God I took that screenshot, because the page is altogether pedestrian now:

Look at the URLs. They’re both the same. I called the library to see what’s up and talked to a guy at the Circulation Desk, who wasn’t aware of the whole Xanax thing. He said he’s send the tip on to the people upstairs. Bored by the whole matter by now, I didn’t feel like doing the journalist thing and talking to them.

Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards.  Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris.  The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”

Belated April Fools! Yeah, we missed the mark, but forgive us. Please?

PS: Most of that was written by my dear friend Lauren Johnson. Give her a pat on the back, will ya?

Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!

Horrified, but all the more entranced, I drew ever nearer, close enough now to read the notice posted on their door. Finally, my worst fears were confirmed: the 220-ish block of Linden Avenue plays host to not only goat-sacrificing black magacians but also to BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!

With no millisecond to spare, I collected myself and ran off, while my head swirled with dreams of blogging a cautionary tale of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness.

P.S.: Newsy narrative aside, all signs point to the fact that no drugs were found in the raid and that the “older townie junkies” (as some neighbors described him) either hid their shit really well or were merely casual consumers who’d just run out of smack. The Sun article notes that no arrests were made, and some lady at the investigations office of the Ithaca Police Department said that none have been made over the course of the week and no new information is available to the press. Maybe the Po found some paraphernalia that justified keeping 24/7 surveillance on the house? My take: Someone who didn’t like the “junkies” tipped off the IthPo, who jumped at the chance to break out their bad-ass SWAT-mobile. And can you really blame them? Oh, Po just-ta wanna have fun.

Okay, oops. Ann Coulter was born in New York City and then her family moved to New Canaan, Connecticut. My point remains, though, that Coulter has helped me out in developing an intense and irrational hatred of a state that has never really wronged me in any substantial way.

Listed in order of increasing competence, outlets NY Mag, IvyGate, and MetaEzra have commented on Coulter’s claim that the Ag School is a “Plastic Ivy,” a claim launched in order to devalue fellow alum Keith Olbermann’s “plastic” degree. Since it’s all been said before, we’ll just say that squabbling over whether or not a school can be considered part of a group that is, essentially, an ATHLETIC CONFERENCE is elitist, polarizing, and therefore typical of political discourse nowadays.

Back to the top 10 reasons I hate Connecticut:

1) It created Ann Coulter.

2) It has the highest per capita GDP of any state.

3) Its motto is “Full of Surprises.”

4) Yale is there and has a way better gay scene than Cornell, even though it’s WAY smaller. Whatever. I’m not bitter. New Haven’s a crime-y, rape-y, shithole anyway.

5) It’s full of boring WASPs who stole New York City’s money from immigrants like my great-great-grandma Ida Bowes. At least we immigrant ethnics are brash, loud, annoying, and serve calorically loaded items other than booze at parties.

6) It’s called the Nutmeg State and NOBODY KNOWS WHY. Also, nutmeg is an altogether pedestrian spice.

7) I thought that the etymology of its name came from the “connecting (short) cut” between New York City and Boston. The Connect-I-Cut! But instead it’s just some Native American word for “place of long tidal river.” Pfffff.

8) We always got stuck in traffic there for HOURS when we were going to visit our cousins on Cape Cod, meaning it makes me think of being trapped listening to Sheryl Crow CD’s on repeat, while the stench of Aunt Susan’s farts grew ever more putrid.

9) An old guy got hit by a car in soulless insurance capital Hartford (one of my Top 10 American Cities, deffo) and nobody helped a brotha out.

10) Do I really need a tenth reason to hate a vast affluent wasteland? Okay, fine, for all y’all Clueless fans: They’re virgins who can’t drive.

1) Facebook all the candidates and compile an Excel spreadsheet of how many mutual friends (mutches! myootches?) you’ve got in common. Add up the Pres and VP totals, using an Excel formula if you’re extra wily. Make some notes about the 6 friends whose profile pic thumbnails the Facebook God has randomly chosen, why not?

2) Compare the total mutual friends of each Slate and begin to create an arbitrary ranking system. You can even install an optional weighting system with Excel formulas — multiplying by 1.5 if you really liked all 6 of those random thumbnail people, or maybe by 0.1 if the candidates’ FB pic kind of sucked.

3) Decide which Pres and VP candidate to vote for based on who has the highest Excel-calculated number.

Here’s my (unweighted) results, with some commentary and followed by the Top 10 Emptiest Campaign Promises:

1) “Winners”: Chris Basil and Nikki Junewicz (Team “You don’t know us? Do you even go here?”)

2) Runners-Up: Rammy Salem and Ola Williams (Team “Yes we can, Superman”)

3) Bronze: Scott Purdy and Emlyn Diakow (Team “ALL CAPS”)

4) Fail: Tony Miller and Emily Cusick (Team “We wrote our campaign pitch in the third person”)

5) Epic Fail Part Un: Andrew Brokman and Andy Gindy (Team “We recorded a fireside video chat in earnest”)

5) Epic Fail Part Deux: Jeff Rehberger and Ruslan Gudnyy (Team “One of us didn’t even show up to the WVBR debate”)

7) UNSUBSCRIBE: Murtza Manzur and Jon Dobrin (Team “Our 2-ply toilet paper crusade is not a mockery of Cornell’s election system”)

Just FYI: As of 9:19am today, I had 1,117 total friends on Facebook — which is above average in general but pretty subpar if I want to call myself a budding socialgay. Out of that thousand+, 538 (about 48%) are from the Cornell network. Also FYI: I’m going to vote for the toilet paper guys, just because their Youtube video was hilarious and because I like to “subvert” ranking systems — even my own.

TOP 10 EMPTIEST CAMPAIGN PROMISES

10) “If there’s enough money left over, we may just put it toward an underground tunnel system (but don’t hold us to that one).”

9) “A vote for Tony Miller and Emily Cusick is a vote for the best candidates.”

8) “Address student life issues such as the Ithaca Noise Ordinance and develop a Leasing Policy for students in Collegetown.” (Sadly.)

7) “ensuring a free SPORTS PASS for all undergraduate students”

6) “Integrating Cornell with the Ithaca community”

5) “Free Bus Pass to All Cornell Students”

4) “creating a CAMPUS PUB for interaction beyond the classroom”

3) “I have a voice.”

2) “If elected, I promise to make the club funding process easier and more comprehensive [sic: comprehensible] so that any freshman can understand it. Vote Brokman and Gindy. We’ll get you your funding.”

1) BB2P