Hitler reacts to the announcement that Nelly is coming to Slope Day instead of Justin Bieber. Don’t worry, Adolf, with the money that Cornell’s charging in the tuition hikes, maybe next year we can afford Rebecca Black.
Points off for the forcible touching dig, but otherwise, this was friggin’ hilarious. Nice work, “BigRedBearz.”
This week, we bring you not one but three (3!) rousing posts contemplating the nature of, shall we say, the presence (or lack thereof!) of follicles in the crotchal region. The first is a spectacularly reasoned entreaty by a concerned woman who just wants men to shave some — BUT NOT ALL! — of their junk hair. LOL. The second begins the descent into madness/irrelevance, as we hear what I presume to be a man bewailing the sorry state of female Craigslist picture-posters. Happily, it ends on a positive note: “I saw a girl once who had an arrow shaved, pointing to the sweet spot….” The final post begins ominously, bearing the mark of the devil: an improperly used semicolon! It ends with what can only be properly described as full-blown Satanism: the terrible, awful, wretched mangling of a perfectly holy adage! Read on to discover the follies.
ACT I: A MODEST PROPOSAL
We’re back to the more pathetic zones of Ithaca’s Craigslist, and we’ve stumbled upon a “BUILT” guy who just hasn’t gotten the hang of caps lock yet, or the concept that no female Craigslister in her right mind is going to pay you at all to go on a date with her — let alone shell out the $100 that the man should be spending on her dinner. Anyone else find it slightly ironic Mr. Right hails from Freeville?
I was going to do this week’s shit on fabulous/tragic postings by starry-eyed/jilted Valentine’s Day lovers but got distracted by REALLY CUTE PETS 4 SALE on da ‘List. AFAIK [for all you n00bs out there, that means "as far as I know"], all of the previous Stalking Sundays featured posters have involved exclusively people/things with [95 to 100%?] human DNA — so why not extend to the farther realms of the Animal Kingdom? First, the top 2 cutest/cuddliest pet giveaway posts in the last week. And then the top 2 ugliest/scariest ones. And then just something SUPER COOL that you’ll have to just click through to see because I’M NOT TELLING.
PRETTIES/SNUGGLIES
I have something to get off my chest, anonymous citizens of the blog-reading Internet. What it boils down to is, essentially, that I am a bad person. The last three of my Stalking Sundays posts have been terribly unkind to the poor souls who published the unfortunate ads in the first place. But there is good news! I have chosen an adorable post which may or may not have been posted in search of someone I may or may not know. Enjoy it, because next week I’ll be back to feeling better about myself by unfairly focusing on the cyber trails of others’ pathetic lives!
Today we bring you the story of one of the most puzzling Craigslist ads we have ever come across: that of a seemingly nice girl who has a thing for basketball, rifles, and some shitty short story by Tennessee Williams. I tried to get inside her mind, but my brain was hurting so just let this one speak for itself.
We’re back for the second week of Stalking Sundays–I didn’t forget! Anyway, the idiots are STILL on our interwebs and this time, they’ve taken to inane philosophizing. This week’s topic: Sex offenders! They are bad! Really bad! So bad! I just hate them! I have to use like seven exclamation points and caps lock to express how UNCOOL they are!!!!!!! Point blank. You know the deal: headline here, rest of ad later.
Because we love alliteration and stealing ideas from other blogs (this one’s via Gossip Gay, a fabulous Tumblr about, um, homosexual canards at Northwestern University), we introduce to you Stalking Sundays–our weekly stroll through the Ithaca Craigslist in search of the good, the bad, and the just plain pathetic. Send us your picks to watch@kitschmag.com.
For our inaugural stalk, we have one family man desperately seeking the Asian girl who “likes bowling and a good love story.” Fair maiden, if you should doubt his resolve for just one second, look no further than the headline. You can tell our young hero means business by those three, unceasingly adamant exclamation points!!! Here’s the headline, and the rest of the treatise is after the jump.
