CornellWatch

While the recession of the century becomes a tiring pop culture trend story, academic institutions are facing a real economic crisis, a trend epitomized in the recent advice book How to Survive without a Golden Parachute. With such perilous uncertainty ahead, the wizards of Cornell, Incorporated (that is to say, the men behind the curtain) are turning to more “alternative” means of financial planning.  After several attempts to schedule a meeting with John Edward of Crossing Over, the superstar psychic repeatedly declined, commenting: “My unreal ability to speak to peoples’ deceased loved ones doesn’t qualify me to make a financial forecast.”

Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards.  Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris.  The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”

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Meeting Larry Paciotti: CornellWatch’s Interview with Legendary Porn Director Chi Chi LaRue from Evan Mulvihill on Vimeo.

If you are a gay man who doesn’t know who Larry Paciotti is, that’s forgivable. But if you gay men don’t know Chi Chi LaRue, you might be fooling yourself — she (the drag/gay porn director persona of Larry) has directed hundreds (thousands? is too lazy to do research) of titles you may have used your dominant hand to “enjoy.” Watch on, trannies.

This week, we bring you not one but three (3!) rousing posts contemplating the nature of, shall we say, the presence (or lack thereof!) of follicles in the crotchal region. The first is a spectacularly reasoned entreaty by a concerned woman who just wants men to shave some — BUT NOT ALL! — of their junk hair. LOL. The second begins the descent into madness/irrelevance, as we hear what I presume to be a man bewailing the sorry state of female Craigslist picture-posters. Happily, it ends on a positive note: “I saw a girl once who had an arrow shaved, pointing to the sweet spot….” The final post begins ominously, bearing the mark of the devil: an improperly used semicolon! It ends with what can only be properly described as full-blown Satanism: the terrible, awful, wretched mangling of a perfectly holy adage! Read on to discover the follies.

ACT I: A MODEST PROPOSAL

Pubic hair (barenakedlady)

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Thanks to iMovie, we bring you this poorly constructed video montage of Friday night’s Big Red Relief Charity Concert. Enjoy, and pardon my shaky hands. I was born with them, okay?

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There’s quite a lot to do this weekend, that is, if your cash-strapped ass isn’t hurting too much from the recesh. Here’s CornellWatch’s picks:

Friday, Feb 27th

Big Red Relief Concert. 7:30pm, Bailey Hall.

Come see performances from some of CU’s crowd-pleasingest groups, including Bhangra (Indian dance-y fun stuff),  Cayuga’s Waiters (crooners of “We Didn’t Go to Harvard”), and Absolute Zero (gravity-defying break-dancers). Tickets $9 at baileytickets.com. All benefits go to Action Against Hunger, a nonprofit dedicated to alleviating global starvation and poverty.

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