CornellWatch » stuff to do if ur bored

Miss Cleo to Consult with University Financiers

D. Evan Mulvihill — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 00:53:09 +0000

While the recession of the century becomes a tiring pop culture trend story, academic institutions are facing a real economic crisis, a trend epitomized in the recent advice book How to Survive without a Golden Parachute. With such perilous uncertainty ahead, the wizards of Cornell, Incorporated (that is to say, the men behind the curtain) are turning to more “alternative” means of financial planning. After several attempts to schedule a meeting with John Edward of Crossing Over, the superstar psychic repeatedly declined, commenting: “My unreal ability to speak to peoples’ deceased loved ones doesn’t qualify me to make a financial forecast.”

Disgusted by the psychic’s incompetence, Esteemed alumna Ann Coulter called Edward a faggot, in a move reminiscent of her to-do with a certain politician named John Edwards. Exasperated and unfulfilled, the University contacted psychic/shaman/scam artist Miss Cleo, née Youree Dell Harris. The oddly named Youree “saw the University’s request for help coming” and gracefully obliged. An independent marketing firm saw the move as “potentially fruitful” but was wary of “lurking telephone bill charges.”

Belated April Fools! Yeah, we missed the mark, but forgive us. Please?

PS: Most of that was written by my dear friend Lauren Johnson. Give her a pat on the back, will ya?

Meeting Larry Paciotti: CornellWatch’s Interview with Legendary Porn Director Chi Chi LaRue

D. Evan Mulvihill — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:01:24 +0000

Meeting Larry Paciotti: CornellWatch’s Interview with Legendary Porn Director Chi Chi LaRue from Evan Mulvihill on Vimeo.

If you are a gay man who doesn’t know who Larry Paciotti is, that’s forgivable. But if you gay men don’t know Chi Chi LaRue, you might be fooling yourself — she (the drag/gay porn director persona of Larry) has directed hundreds (thousands? is too lazy to do research) of titles you may have used your dominant hand to “enjoy.” Watch on, trannies.

Stalking Sundays: Follicle Follies! (A Play in Three Acts)

D. Evan Mulvihill — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 05:28:39 +0000

This week, we bring you not one but three (3!) rousing posts contemplating the nature of, shall we say, the presence (or lack thereof!) of follicles in the crotchal region. The first is a spectacularly reasoned entreaty by a concerned woman who just wants men to shave some — BUT NOT ALL! — of their junk hair. LOL. The second begins the descent into madness/irrelevance, as we hear what I presume to be a man bewailing the sorry state of female Craigslist picture-posters. Happily, it ends on a positive note: “I saw a girl once who had an arrow shaved, pointing to the sweet spot….” The final post begins ominously, bearing the mark of the devil: an improperly used semicolon! It ends with what can only be properly described as full-blown Satanism: the terrible, awful, wretched mangling of a perfectly holy adage! Read on to discover the follies.

ACT I: A MODEST PROPOSAL

Pubic hair (barenakedlady)

Reply to: pers-1056161722@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-03-01, 8:51PM ESTI am a girl, and I myself prefer that it is either very well trimmed or the landing strip. I have to agree that I think women look like little girl without a little bit down there.I also think that for men, they should definately not shave it all off. A little hair is fine, or even a little bit more as long as it is well maintained. LOL. Otherwise you like a little boy who hasn’t hit puberty yet. Some men believe it adds a couple of inches to their penis. I would definitely have to disagree with that.ACT II: THE FOLLY BEGINS

Pubic hair (there)

Reply to: pers-1056176984@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-03-01, 9:04PM ESTall these posts without good pictures are worthless… I disagree with the men shaving thing, it certainly makes mine look longer without the hair there and no stragglers in her teeth, she likes that… I saw a girl once who had an arrow shaved, pointing to the sweet spot….
ACT III: DESCENT INTO MADNESS

re;Pubic hair

Reply to: pers-1056186120@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-03-01, 9:12PM EST
my husband doesn’t care how I have my hair, but I prefer it waxed
and
I prefer him waxed too

each to their ownAnd scene.

VideOkay: Big Red Relief Montage

D. Evan Mulvihill — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 18:59:43 +0000

Thanks to iMovie, we bring you this poorly constructed video montage of Friday night’s Big Red Relief Charity Concert. Enjoy, and pardon my shaky hands. I was born with them, okay?

CornellWatch Covers Big Red Relief 2K9 from Evan Mulvihill on Vimeo.

Stuff to Do This Weekend if You’re Bored: Big Red Relief, Luda, And More

D. Evan Mulvihill — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:31:58 +0000

There’s quite a lot to do this weekend, that is, if your cash-strapped ass isn’t hurting too much from the recesh. Here’s CornellWatch’s picks:

Friday, Feb 27th

Big Red Relief Concert. 7:30pm, Bailey Hall.

Come see performances from some of CU’s crowd-pleasingest groups, including Bhangra (Indian dance-y fun stuff), Cayuga’s Waiters (crooners of “We Didn’t Go to Harvard”), and Absolute Zero (gravity-defying break-dancers). Tickets $9 at baileytickets.com. All benefits go to Action Against Hunger, a nonprofit dedicated to alleviating global starvation and poverty.

Saturday, Feb 28th

Luda and Shawnna. 8pm, Barton Hall.

Self-explanatory. Tickets are sold out, so expect 5,000+ students, townies, and IC-ers stripper-dancing and staining Cornell’s long-standing tradition of piety and anti-licentiousness.

Filthy Gorgeous. 10pm-2am, WSH Memorial Room.

Come turn the Straight into the Gay for one night only. 200+ queers and friends of the queers will be gayin’/lezzin’/transin’ out with Chi Chi La Rue, famed drag queen/gay porn director. Tickets $5 at the door, $4 if you show your Luda stub.

Sunday, Mar 1st

Australian Art and Culture. 1pm-4pm, Johnson Museum.

Performances, guided tours, children’s activies and regional cuisine, all from Down Under. Free and open to public. (Except to New Zealanders. Stay the fuck out, kiwis.)

CU Music: Cornell Orchestras. 3pm-4:30pm, Bailey Hall.

Cello Concerto with winning cellist from fifth annual Concerto Competition. Free and open to public.

Credit is due to the Daily Sun’s Red Letter Daze, from whom I stole a number of these events/descriptions.