Prez D-Skortz on LSD.

Everybody knows “The Economy” sucks. Even David Skorton, our university president (case ya didn’t know), whose Stanford-schooled super-senior son can’t even find employment despite the fact that he took an extra half-year to do an extra major! Sadface. Guess he’ll have to live off the meager $700,000/year salary that daddy earns — but let’s hope he doesn’t have too many coke parties, considering the fact that his noble father hath forgone a salary increase this year. At tonight’s “Senior Presidential Reception,” dapper gentlemen and ladies crowded around our president, trying to get a good word in, or perhaps just to snap a poorly aimed cameraphone picture (see left). And, although Skorton was both drily eloquent and soberly charming when my senior self spoke with him, he didn’t seem to have much to offer in the way of practical advice for seniors who have been fucked in the ass by a shitty job market, one that’s moreover flooded with recent laid-off bitches who are considerably more “senior” than us. “You’ll land on your feet,” he told us right before we toasted the Class of ‘09 with our recently bought $5 champagne glasses. We’ll be fine. Just fine! Right. D-Skortz had earlier told me that I still ought to consider newspapers. (Yawn.) And to talk to University spokesman Tommy Bruce, who I already know. “I often speak fairly unfavorably about the University administration,” I told him. In other words: What’s a brash blogger to do in these days? Skorton said that even critics can get jobs. You know, talking to Tommy might actually be a good option. Damn you and your good sense, D-Skortz. Maybe I will land on my feet. Also: good luck, Class of ‘09. Srsly.

1) Facebook all the candidates and compile an Excel spreadsheet of how many mutual friends (mutches! myootches?) you’ve got in common. Add up the Pres and VP totals, using an Excel formula if you’re extra wily. Make some notes about the 6 friends whose profile pic thumbnails the Facebook God has randomly chosen, why not?

2) Compare the total mutual friends of each Slate and begin to create an arbitrary ranking system. You can even install an optional weighting system with Excel formulas — multiplying by 1.5 if you really liked all 6 of those random thumbnail people, or maybe by 0.1 if the candidates’ FB pic kind of sucked.

3) Decide which Pres and VP candidate to vote for based on who has the highest Excel-calculated number.

Here’s my (unweighted) results, with some commentary and followed by the Top 10 Emptiest Campaign Promises:

1) “Winners”: Chris Basil and Nikki Junewicz (Team “You don’t know us? Do you even go here?”)

2) Runners-Up: Rammy Salem and Ola Williams (Team “Yes we can, Superman”)

3) Bronze: Scott Purdy and Emlyn Diakow (Team “ALL CAPS”)

4) Fail: Tony Miller and Emily Cusick (Team “We wrote our campaign pitch in the third person”)

5) Epic Fail Part Un: Andrew Brokman and Andy Gindy (Team “We recorded a fireside video chat in earnest”)

5) Epic Fail Part Deux: Jeff Rehberger and Ruslan Gudnyy (Team “One of us didn’t even show up to the WVBR debate”)

7) UNSUBSCRIBE: Murtza Manzur and Jon Dobrin (Team “Our 2-ply toilet paper crusade is not a mockery of Cornell’s election system”)

Just FYI: As of 9:19am today, I had 1,117 total friends on Facebook — which is above average in general but pretty subpar if I want to call myself a budding socialgay. Out of that thousand+, 538 (about 48%) are from the Cornell network. Also FYI: I’m going to vote for the toilet paper guys, just because their Youtube video was hilarious and because I like to “subvert” ranking systems — even my own.

TOP 10 EMPTIEST CAMPAIGN PROMISES

10) “If there’s enough money left over, we may just put it toward an underground tunnel system (but don’t hold us to that one).”

9) “A vote for Tony Miller and Emily Cusick is a vote for the best candidates.”

8) “Address student life issues such as the Ithaca Noise Ordinance and develop a Leasing Policy for students in Collegetown.” (Sadly.)

7) “ensuring a free SPORTS PASS for all undergraduate students”

6) “Integrating Cornell with the Ithaca community”

5) “Free Bus Pass to All Cornell Students”

4) “creating a CAMPUS PUB for interaction beyond the classroom”

3) “I have a voice.”

2) “If elected, I promise to make the club funding process easier and more comprehensive [sic: comprehensible] so that any freshman can understand it. Vote Brokman and Gindy. We’ll get you your funding.”

1) BB2P

Cornell University today announced that it is ending its business relationship with Russell Athletic on March 31, 2009. The decision was made after a review of the facts surrounding the closure of a Russell apparel factory in Honduras on Jan. 31, 2009. Investigations by the Worker Rights Consortium and the Fair Labor Association both concluded that the closing of the factory, Jerzees de Honduras, which was described by Russell as an economic decision, was also due in part to anti-union animus.

The University’s words might seem devoid of emotion, but trust me, they’re just holding back. The mark-up on the Store’s items is already ridiculous, and with Russell’s cheap cheap love/goods, they were making oodles upon oodles of love/profit. Anyway, the Store probably just doesn’t want to admit an organization as rabblerousing as COLA was the homewrecker/informant. Here’s what COLA’s Stephanie Knight had to say:

I think the banner protest absolutely had an influence on Cornell’s decision to sever their ties with Russell.  COLA has been putting pressure on the administration in various ways these last few weeks to cut Russell, and the banner protest was just the latest action we organized.  We had asked the administration to give us an answer as to how they were going to respond to Russell’s labor violations, and as soon as we did the banner drop, they did.  COLA is thrilled that Cornell has chosen to stand up for workers’ rights and abide by their own Code of Conduct.

The administration doesn’t want the public to think their decision was swayed by anything other than “a review of the facts,” but obviously they only responded to the issue once it had received ample negative attention and student protest.  Unfortunately, COLA has a bad rap among the Cornell administration, but you can’t deny that our tactics are effective!

COLA and MEChA are hosting workers from HEI Hotels and Resorts this coming Tuesday, 2/24, who have been denied their right to organize a union free of intimidation and fear.  The CEO and other top executives of HEI are Cornell alumni, and HEI maintains close ties with the Hotel School/Johnson School through a practicum currently being taught.  More info about the event/back story is below.

—-

Cornell Organization for Labor Action (COLA) and MEChA de Cornell invite
you to listen to the experiences of workers at HEI Hotels and Resorts
Corporation, a company that prides itself for being one of America’s
largest hotel management corporations, but forgets to share its wealth
with its workers.

When: Tuesday Feb 24 at 5:30pm
Where: 115 Rockefeller Hall

As the Alma mater of HEI Executive Management and academic associates of
HADM 6690: Sustainable Global Enterprise in Hospitality, Cornell
University has an obligation to address worker intimations at HEI. The
company was founded in 1985 by Cornell Alum: CEO Gary Mendell, his brother
Steve Mendell (Executive VP of acquisitions), and Steve Rushmore.

For any questions, please contact Stephanie Knight (sck73) or Chirs Brown
(cb459).

MEChA meets every Monday at 5:00pm in the LSP center (4th floor
Rockefeller).COLA meets every Thursday at 4:45pm in 108 Ives.

Least appreciated Cornell alum in hot water over technicality: Ann Coulter voted in Connecticut while living in New York. In other news, no one really cares. Except maybe the person who photoshopped the image at left. [Cornell Insider] P.S. We apologize to any Nazis offended by the image.

Milstein hits new roadblock: The plans for the construction of Architecture building Milstein Hall have already taken 10 years to push through. But no! It must not go forward, claim annoying profs like Vincent Mulcahy, who doth protest the lack of accessibility to differently-abled persons: “A handicap [sic] person who might want to study architecture here, it’s impossible.” [News 10 Now]

The nerve!: Either CornellWatch is too young, too unread, and/or too unfabulous, or we got SNUBBED by USNews.com in their “Best Alternative Media Outlet 2008″ contest. Whatever. IvyGate is in dead last, so we’re going to try to be schadenfreude-y about that. [USNews.com]

MetaEz predictz acceptance rate of 18.6%: The first time it’s ever dipped below 20%! But we still pale in comparison to Harvard’s 7.1% for the Class of 2012…

Location location location: Google Latitude inaugurates the beginning of an era where stalking isn’t just about obsessively reading your stalkee’s status updates on Facebook. CornellWatch inaugurates new style of posting news ticker tidbits…

The original Ticker posts:
Cornell Review blog undercovers the secret lives of frat boys. And DOES NOT APPROVE.
…Cornell has a “University Blog Service”? Curious.
…D-Skortz decides not to divest from either Israel or Gaza because, unlike Darfur, “the situation in and near Israel has been characterized by cyclic difficulties leading to violent acts by both sides.”
…Bad Headlines Continue to Plague the Sun
…Conservative rag Cornell Review enters the blogging fray, and blogrolls me! Adorbs.
…NY Daily News cares about our plight!
…Boston Globesman: “Visiting this city in winter seems crazy.”
…Big Red Hoopsmen Rack Up 15 Consecutive Home Wins
…CU’s First VP Ceases to Live
…Hockey Third in Entire Nation
…Architecture Program Ranked No. 1 by Designintelligence
…Endowment tumbles 27%
…Tracy Mitrano guest-blogs for Chron of Higher Ed

Since the moratorium only lasts one semester and deadlines for starting a group and picking up and handing in the Office of Assemblies’ trusty carnelian folder have past, I guess I’m overstating with the whole abortion metaphor. There is, after all, one good thing that has come out of the resolution is the Registered Student Organization Auditing Task Force — but this should’ve been in place long, long ago, and it ought to be a permanent police force. The idea that any dumbass with two or three dumbass friends can start their own group and apply for and receive S.A.F.C. money ($204 of your/your parent’s money per year, in case you were wondering) is patently, to put it impolitely, idiotic.

Case in point: I have a certain friend who started a group called Scooby Jew. Scooby Jew is a student group for Jewish people who are interested in scuba diving. They go on trips to the Caribbean and scuba diving and pray at underwater synagogues. Why should the rest of us fund a bunch of Jews who happen to enjoy donning Self Contained Underwater Breating Apparati? Beats me. But yet they categorically received funding from the S.A.F.C. I can understand Scooby Jew being absorbed under some general Scuba Diving Club Sport Team thing called just Scooby. Or maybe Scooby Doo-ing Things Underwater. But just because you have a clever name and can fill out forms and turn them in on time does not mean you should steal some of my money to go on a nice little vacation. In fact, if you can do all those things, Scooby Jew, you should be sitting in an office figuring out how to make me more money.

I think you get the point: instead of slashing and burning the potential creation of more “ludicrously awesome” peeps like us, weed out the insufferably redundant, laughably ineffective, and frequently idiotic of Cornell’s 900 (!) total groups from spoiling the pot. Holla back in the commz, yo.

To the Cornell community,

Following several months of planning by the university leadership and thorough discussions at its meeting last week in New York City about the best ways to manage the university’s finances in the face of the continuing economic crisis gripping the nation, Cornell’s Board of Trustees yesterday voted unanimously to adopt a set of proposals to protect the strength and character of Cornell, while dealing with financial challenges that impact all aspects of the university’s balance sheet. To be successful, the plan will require support, involvement and sacrifice from faculty, staff, students and alumni. Once completed, Cornell will be best positioned for future growth and competitive strength.

As I mentioned in my message to the campus of December 16, 2008, we are facing a 10 percent budget shortfall caused by a combination of reduced state funding, a structural deficit in our operating budget, the loss of 27 percent in our endowment over the past six months and a decline in philanthropic gifts. Prompt correction is necessary to confront a persistent negative financial outlook sweeping the entire higher education sector.  After careful consideration, the trustees and senior administrators approved the following actions:

1.     We will draw down approximately $150 million in reserves held in Ithaca over the next two fiscal years to strengthen the institution’s cash flow.

2.     In order to address most of the shortfall in the operating budget of the university, Cornell will reduce expenditures on both its Ithaca and New York City campuses, with a 5 percent ($50 million) budget reduction of unrestricted revenues in Ithaca and an 8 percent ($13 million) budget reduction of general purpose funds at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City, effective July 1, 2009. This action will affect all units, including the Office of the Provost in Ithaca and the Office of the President. Our two offices will reduce expenditures by 10 percent, including a 10 percent voluntary reduction in my salary. Strategic planning is being initiated across campus for an additional 5 percent budget correction in Ithaca, which will take effect by July 1, 2010 and will include savings from organizational efficiencies and revenue enhancements.

While the administration recognizes that some of these cuts will result in additional job losses, the priority is to avoid layoffs whenever possible. Initial efforts focused on instituting an external hiring pause, which now has been extended to June 30, 2009, and establishing a university-wide effort to facilitate internal hiring of staff dislocated by program cuts. Moreover, case managers and outplacement assistance will continue to be offered to help those affected arrange needed benefits and begin their job searches.

3.     The university will suspend its Salary Improvement Program for faculty and non-bargaining unit staff in Ithaca in 2009-10. In July, staff whose annual base pay is $40,000 or less will receive a one-time bonus of  $750, pro-rated accordingly for eligible part-time staff.   At the same time, Vice President for Human Resources Mary Opperman will establish a hardship fund to assist people on the campus who have special needs during this difficult time.  We appreciate the counsel of the many faculty and staff who recommended a one-year suspension of the Salary Improvement Program to allow us to attenuate the number of layoffs that will be necessary. We are committed to resuming salary increases for 2010-11.

4.     In order to maintain our historic commitment to student financial aid and to fund the two financial aid initiatives announced last year, there will be an additional endowment draw of $35 million for undergraduate financial aid in 2009 -10.

5.     Tuition policies in the 2009-10 budget include a 4 percent tuition increase for undergraduate students in Cornell’s endowed colleges – the lowest endowed tuition percentage increase at the university since 1966. Tuition for undergraduate students in the university’s statutory colleges will rise by 7.2 percent, reflecting comparable dollar increases in endowed and statutory-resident tuition, and establishing a contract non-resident tuition identical to the endowed.  See linked tuition tables for 2009-10.

6.     The campus construction pause, as announced in my communication of October 30, 2008, will be extended through June 30, 2009. Those facilities constructed by the State University Construction Fund  (SUCF) will proceed as planned.

Moving forward, we will continue to foster the university’s long-term stability and protect its assets through the careful stewardship of our financial and human resources as well as our natural and built environment. In the coming months, we will vigorously pursue proposals to achieve improved operational efficiency, including the strategic planning efforts of the provost, executive vice president and other leaders. The success of these undertakings will require broad community involvement and participation – evident in the 500-plus suggestions already submitted through the electronic suggestion box (http://www.cuinfo.cornell.edu) – in order to insure long-term success. I count on your continued input. Through all phases of strategic planning and implementation, we will strive to maintain and improve our transparency.

All of these measures are being undertaken to preserve and enhance Cornell’s quality, competitiveness and historic character. It is essential that we join forces to make the necessary effort to sustain our university’s excellence in education, research, scholarship, creative activity, outreach and clinical care in order to thrive during these turbulent times and position Cornell University for success in the years to come.

In closing, I want to underscore my appreciation for the patience and cooperation of the campus community as we go through these difficult times.

Best regards,

David J. Skorton

Well shit. I’m bad at this stuff, so check out MetaEzra for actual analysis.

What is Net(work) Neutrality (NN)? It’s kind of complicated, but PCMag.com says it “states that all traffic be treated equally… that packets are delivered on a first-come, first-served basis regardless from where they originated or to where they are destined.” Basically, NN would have Internet Service Providers (ISPs) like Time Warner not be able to discriminate torrent-downloading traffic from mp3-downloading traffic from whatever. Unfortunately for us ‘Nets-lovin’ kids, Mitrano suggested that Net Neutrality and other internet issues — most notably archaic copyright laws — are not really election issues.

“I’ll vote for the first candidate who utters the word copyright,” Mitrano stated, qualifying that she has been saying that “half-jokingly” for the past several months. The real joke is that copyright laws, to anyone with half a brain, are archaic and outdated, and the recording and movie industries are holding onto their ancient business models instead of keeping up with technology. But what can we informed Democrats do? “You guys haven’t gone out into the workforce and made this an issue,” she said. We’re down.

Mitrano may look like one of those cute moms whose ditzy e-mail correspondence with youngins would show up on “Postcards from Yo Momma,” but don’t let her nifty scarves fool you: she knows what she’s doing on her computer and is very much an academic type — she even teaches a popular Info Sci class called “Culture, Law and Politics of the Internet.” But that doesn’t mean she still can’t make really, really cute/insightful comments! When CornellWatch wasn’t prodding Mitrano about why lonely students hog so much bandwidth for their “romance movies,” we were scribbling down awesomecredible things that Tracy said. Some gems follow:

On internet trolls: “Sometimes people think, O-M-G people can be so mean.”

On Google turning evil and taking over the world: “It warms the cockles of my liberal progressive heart to see people interested in Google privacy issues.”

On marriage counseling**: “Like a mortician or a beautician, you will always have a job in this society.”

*For more information on the dinner-discussion series, contact the President of Americans for Informed Democracy, Lesley Hernandez (lah56@cornell.edu). You get free dinner at Alice Cook House, too, which is pretty prettty prettttty sweet.

**Why did this come up? Because Mitrano was asking us all what we wanted to do with ourselves, and one person answered that she wanted to become a marriage counselor. (I wanted to be an astronaut, but apparently that job is not always necessary in our society.)