CornellWatch

For years, Russell Athletics wooed the Cornell Store with cheap sportswear, adorning their children/students with Big Red sweatshirts, Big Red sweatpants, and Big Red fatsuits. Their relationship grew so strong that Russell comprised around 15 percent of the Store’s apparel sales last year — at this apex of their romance, they thought nothing could bring them down. Unfortunately for the two starry-eyed lovers, there was trouble in paradise: trouble being Russell’s death threats to newly unionized workers, and paradise being a Honduran factory. Luckily, the Store was quietly informed of Russell’s human rights abuses by COLA (Cornell Organization for Labor Action), when the workers’ rights activists displayed the curiously illuminating banner pictured at right on last Wed, Feb 19. The very next day, the University quit Russell in much the same way one quits a lover who, by golly, beats his Honduran foster kids. The press release:

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Since I’m really into alliteration and forcing myself to do things on a weekly basis, I’m introducing ‘Malgam Mondays. This start-off-the-week-on-the-informed-foot feature will, with a few exceptions, be a regurgitation/reanimation of the stuff I’ve starting posting to the News Ticker, which shows up on CornellWatch itself on the top right side but not on the main Kitsch-Ka-Blogs page. This way I can wipe it clean each week. Here’s the best of the boring things that happened since I started the Ticker. Click on for even more boring stuff.

Least appreciated Cornell alum in hot water over technicality: Ann Coulter voted in Connecticut while living in New York. In other news, no one really cares. Except maybe the person who photoshopped the image at left. [Cornell Insider] P.S. We apologize to any Nazis offended by the image.

Milstein hits new roadblock: The plans for the construction of Architecture building Milstein Hall have already taken 10 years to push through. But no! It must not go forward, claim annoying profs like Vincent Mulcahy, who doth protest the lack of accessibility to differently-abled persons: “A handicap [sic] person who might want to study architecture here, it’s impossible.” [News 10 Now]

The nerve!: Either CornellWatch is too young, too unread, and/or too unfabulous, or we got SNUBBED by USNews.com in their “Best Alternative Media Outlet 2008″ contest. Whatever. IvyGate is in dead last, so we’re going to try to be schadenfreude-y about that. [USNews.com]

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HOT OFF THE PRESSES: The Daily Sun made a landmark move today in deciding to print the columns of two writers known to be flamingly gay on the same exact page. It is unclear whether the publication itself was a heartwarming act of tolerance toward God-forsaken faggots or if the faggots in question, by some mischevious act such as they are wont to engage in, highjacked the electronic and mechanical methods by which the Sun normally engages in printing its newspaper thing. In any case, John-David Brown discussed his sinful acts of sodomy at length in his column, a column that was a narcissistic, self-indulgent litany of ” ‘interesting’ tidbits about [himself].” The one I speak of is number 13, a number known to be in violation of God’s Code because of the pagan belief that it is bad luck: “I have a premature ejactulation problem when I’m on Adderal or trying to be on top. Did you know that about me? I think not.” Did you know that I didn’t want to know that? I think so. And Peter Fritch’s column was equally, if not more, blasphemous:

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Buy your tickets to witness Ludacris and Shawnna’s pimping of our entire campus as soon as they go on sale Feb. 3rd, because Slope Day is going to suck: the University is cutting $70,000+ from their budget, and that’s money that probably can’t be made up elsewhere. Another victim, sort of: Uris Libe’s Tower Cafe, which Cornell Dining quietly closed over Winter Break. Nobody really cared about Tower, though, as an admin only received “a couple” emails about it. Only a couple? But as of right now there are ten (10!) whole members in the Facebook group “BRING BACK TOWER CAFE“! Apparently, there’s other “more important” scary stuff happening because of the recession too, as D-Skorts let us know in a campus-wide email:

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You might recall that Ludacris’s pilgrimage to Cornell came at a price: the purity of our women. Well now the wily bastard has taken it one step further and decided to pimp our men too–and the offending bawd (a term I use with the most due of respect) is his boo Shawnna, a sort of Eve/Lil Kim clone who actually spits some pretty hot rapid-fire shit. If you want to get an idea of her personality, think Ludacris with a sex change and a lifetime supply of cheap lip gloss. Check Luda and Shawnna out in this video of their collaboration “Shake Dat Shit” below.

It’s official: ALANA (African Latin Asian Native American) Programming Board, along with the CCC and some other acronym thing caled MCFAB, has somehow gotten Ludacris to come to East Hill come February 28, 2009. Over a thousand people are attending on Facebook already! But it came at a price: For this one night, every girl on campus will be magically transofrmed into a pole-dancin’, dirty-grindin’, sexaholic prosty-ho. And it was totally worth it for the newly redeemed party organizer people–after Howie Mandel and Bill Maher kind of tanked, we need this, even at the expense of our women’s purity.