Greetings, fellow Cornellian! I come to you with the news that you too have the power to vote for the undergraduate student-elected trustee, one among 64 powerful persons who control Cornell’s destiny. Mostly by consulting with Miss Cleo. The Cornell Daily Sun went down and did the normal journalistic thing of taking video at a debate sponsored by none other than themselves, but I decided to make a mash-up video of the budding politicians’ uncannily uniform rhetoric. It would’ve been longer and better, but my video editing program was being a total [expletive for female genitalia] and lost my work not once, not twice, but thrice. Voting for the Student-elected Trustee ends tomorrow at 8am, but you can enjoy this little guy anytime:
An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.
If you have ever had your moments of doubt about the so-called liberal media, look no further than yesterday’s above-the-fold cover story in the esteemed Cornell Daily Sun. The article describes the pain, dismay, and utter, utter misfortune that 25 prospective students endured at the hands of the evil (Evil?) Office of Financial Aid. What happened was this: FinAid accidentally sent out a high-five e-mail to those 25 students, who had already been mercilessly rejected. According to the article, “Students who received the article said they were confused, disappointed, and outraged.”
Thanks to the terrific investigatory work of the Sun, we now know that (1) post-feminist, former burlesque act, and kind of made-up band the Pussycat Dolls are headlining Slope Day and, since the Programming Board were pretty much obligated to make an announcement on the performers, that (2) proto-collegian, former middlebrow Philly suburb resident, and somewhat bothersome white rapper Asher Roth is opening for the glamor-sluts. Oh, and (3) that, unlike the past four years, there is no ostensible third act in sight ($_$ woes?). Asher is a solid second choice, b/c he’s all about wearing self-referential shirts that say COLLEGE like that rly classy Animal House guy and drinking beers and smoking weeds. Plus, I think he is descended from a line of people that often attend college and own lots of fancy things. Also, he was an early education major before his mad good flow got “discovered” so his performance will def be super-educational! Check out his “I Love College” video after da jump.
With a little investigative work of my own, I located the infamous Linden Ave “crack house” of Daily Sun fame — the one that got raided by a busful of 10 heroin-seeking SWAT guys last Sunday night. Cam-phone in hand, I approached what I hoped to be a cesspool of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness. As I steadied my trigger finger, I was pleasantly surprised to note that the “drug den” in question looked like most other shitty slumlord-owned basement apartments in Collegetown — random crap littered about, musty blankets stuffed against the window so as to shield passers-by from inside activities, paint chipping off a poor excuse for “siding.” So much for a cautionary tale… or was it?
Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!
As they say, the Pun rises in the yeast. What I mean by this is that the newly elected Daily Sun’s 127th Editorial Board loves to pun, and also that this new Sun is “rising” in an alcohol-fermented haze much akin to the Friday mornings of most “journalists.” On all counts, I wholeheartedly approve! Mostly because they layered on the puns so thick it makes me look like, I dunno, someone who is not that big of a pun fan. Someone like Sarah Palin, maybe. Anyway, here’s just a taste of the pun-dried tomatoes that discerning punsters may chuckle about while pundering over the Board’s intropuntory article:
Cornell Dots Will Cure Cancer!: What exactly are these “C dots”? “The cluster of dye molecules in a single dot fluoresces under near-infrared light much more brightly than single dye molecules, and the fluorescence will identify malignant cells, showing a surgeon exactly what needs to be cut out and helping ensure that all malignant cells are found.”
Nominate Ur Fwendz: Do u no some1 who iz rly gud at there like orgunizashun? Nom’ them 4 a Student Organization Award or Recognition (SOAR! Far above!). Due Thurz.
“Budget Bondage”: Has the recession been cutting into your plan to one-up Goatse by utilizing expensive state-of-the-art anus-expanding instruments? Then this event is perfect for YOU.
A New Low for Sun Blogs: “Allow me to preface this entry by letting the reader know that I am abroad in Scotland for the semester. Without that information, you may find yourself terribly lost. I have stepped outside of the culture I know all too well and revel in all too often, and have embarked on a journey to the birthplace of the bagpipe.”
Much respe’t for putting me and my homie Peter Fritch (edituh-in-chief, WHAT WHAT) on today’s list of “25 Awesome, under-the-radar Seniors @ Cornell.” And even more respe’t for dubbin’ us the “most ludicrously awesome non-Sun writers and editors.” Word. Y’all ain’t frontin’ when you say y’all “give credit when credit’s due.” Now let me just break it down for you. Let me break it down that I would normally make some joke like “Under the radar, Sun? Boy, you needs to get yo’ radar-measurin’ device ALL UP in the repair shop!” But I was thinkin’ about it and it’s high time to holla back, because, as much as I been a hater, y’all put together a fly-ass newspaper. Here’s three reasons why I love you in a crazy way:
Last semester, conservatives bristled at the fact that their (parents’) hard-earned money was being spent on an event that instructed doe-eyed college kids in the wonderful, sinful ways of buttsex. They even showed up to protest! (And the Daily Sun caught it on video.) This semester’s Women’s Resource Center production was a bit less, shall we say, ass-positive; and, despite certain scatological inclinations, it was kinda disappointingly tame.
Yesterday, in the Ivy Room. There are about 30 copies of Eclipse below the one jutting out.
Last Friday, the Daily Sun’s dece new weekly pull-out “magazine,” Eclipse, hit the newsstands like it usually does. But for some reason, the recently conceived alternative section was mysteriously already pulled out of mama Sun’s pouch for us readers. Yesterday — nearly a week later — there were still Eclipses hanging out (see right) at a couple of locations around campus. Today, it’s back to the safety of the fold, where columns like this are better protected.
Disclaimer: The frequently ill-informed opinions contained within CornellWatch do not in any way, shape, or form represent those of the glorious administration of Cornell University.
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