An artist's rendering of the general flavor of this article.

Except it only quotes one of the Misfortunate Twenty-Five, whose bitter dejected/rejected ass obviously whines about what is really just a fairly excusable administrative error. Quoth the sore loser: “I can’t believe Cornell would be that irresponsible.” ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆dpwFN C

Oh sorry, just fell asleep on my keyboard. Where were we? Oh, right. The story continues on Page 4, with the wonderful new headline: “Rejected Students Outraged Over Financial Aid Office’s E-mail Debacle.” Chocolate outrage, y’all. De-BAC-le. Outraged author Lucy Li goes on to describe a far more colossal fuck-up on the Left Coast:

Cornell is not the only school that had issues with e-mail regarding applications and admissions this year. The University of California, San Diego, mistakenly sent acceptance e-mails to all 46,377 students who applied for admission, including the 29,000 applicants who were rejected, according to NBC San Diego.

I trust NBC, even though they’re totally owned by General Electric, but I don’t trust any news outlet in San Diego after that eye-openingly revelatory documentary Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. In any case, the climactic editorialization of a sentence:

These 29,000 students’ brief moments of bliss [because U.C. San Diego is HEAVEN ON EARTH] were crushed [CRUSHED!] when UCSD emailed [sic: you've been using hyphens all along! between the "e" and the "mails." consistency fail.] out their rejection letters two hours later.

I’m glad we have these sorts of tragic news stories to keep us from thinking about, you know, real tragedies like Darfur and Rwanda and starving kids in AfriChina. Also, like how the Green Cafe didn’t have ANY milk to serve my friend when she went there at 5am this morning. Seriously, I’m not fucking kidding you. I feel for her. I feel CHOCOLATE OUTRAGE for her.

While we’re at it (read: actually reading the Sun), there’s a purposefully hilarious story on Page 5. Headline is “Bowling Green State University Bans Art Depicting Oral Sex.” YES. I’m copying it here so it will live in PERPETUITY.

“Sami Drops a Deuce,” “John Put His Head in the Oven” and “The Man Who Hasn’t Seen His Genitals in Years” are just some of the titles of sculptures Bowling Green State University senior administrators deemed “appropriate.” However, roughly two weeks ago, those administrators removed a sculpture from an exhibit on the university’s Firelands Campus titled “The Middle School Science Teacher Makes a Decision He’ll Live to Regret,” sparking a heated controversy surrounding issues of art censorship, freedom of expression and child pornography.

According a news release from BGSU, the sculpture “graphically depicts a female middle school student, on her knees, performing oral sex on a standing male middle school science teacher.”

On March 17, David Sapp, an art professor at BGSU Firelands and director of the Little Gallery, was asked by Firelands Interim Dean James Smith to take down the sculpture because there were complaints that Smith worried would result in “problems with the press” or “legal” issues of the sculpture being labeled as “child pornography,” according to a memorandum Sapp sent to all faculty and staff at BGSU Firelands.

After Sapp refused to remove the sculpture, BGSU Interim Provost Mark Gromko directed Smith to remove the artwork.

According to Sapp, the sculpture was “near the window of the gallery, but could not be seen unless you walked into the gallery.” However, BGSU administrators were concerned that children attending the McBride Auditorium, located adjacent to the gallery, “may have been directly affected by the specific criminal act depicted.”

“As an institution of higher education, Bowling Green State University strongly supports the right of free speech and artistic expression. However, we also have a responsibility and obligation to not expose the children and families we invite to our campus to inappropriate material,” the news release said.

Despite the administration’s concern, Sapp said the McBride Auditorium is not exclusively a children’s theater and he had asked the director to keep the door locked and the gallery closed during children’s theater productions.

Sapp said the art exhibits at the Little Gallery are meant to “promote thought, discussion and a meaningful visual experience in a responsible way,” and he urged his colleagues to be aware of the “visceral force” and “tone” of the administrators at BGSU.

“The dean has established a very dangerous precedent for censorship in the Little Gallery and within every part of the college,” Sapp said in the memorandum. “The dean has severely undermined the very nature of the learning environment at Firelands College.”

After administrators censored the sculpture, Sapp closed the entire exhibit of 13 sculptures and is considering resigning from his position as director.

Other sculptures in the exhibit titled “A Bakers Dozen” depicted events or situations connected with the artist’s life, such as his wife combing his daughter’s hair, personal friends who committed suicide or social issues such as obesity.

“Each one is telling a little story, and this was just a series of little stories about people I know, things I’ve read, my family; they’re basically domestic stories in many ways,” said James Parlin, the exhibition’s artist and chair of the art department at Edinboro University in Pennsylvania.

Parlin said it wasn’t necessary for BGSU administrators to remove the sculpture and he supported Sapp’s decision to close the exhibit entirely. The aluminum sculpture in question is about “moral decision making,” Parlin said.

“The intent was to show someone making a bad decision, and I showed the man staring forward at his future of disgrace. In other words, it’s about a bad choice and the consequences of that bad choice,” Parlin said. “I was blindsided by this whole thing; I never expected anything like this in a million years. I didn’t plan this, for god’s sake.”

Parlin said he was not notified before the sculpture was removed, and he said it would have been easy to restrict access to children while still allowing adults to view the artwork. According to Parlin, American society benefits from freedom of expression and institutions of higher education such as BGSU should be environments that “honor that principle.”

“I like to be able to read what I want, listen to what I want, see what I want, and I don’t like other people making that decision for me,” Parlin said. “I think it’s an enormous mistake when we let other people decide that for any of us. Now protecting children is a different issue; I protect my own children.”

The controversy surrounding the sculpture is surprising because so few people have actually seen the artwork, Parlin said.

“This whole controversy is about a piece that virtually no one has seen. It’s not about the piece of sculpture; it can’t be because no one has seen it,” he said.

Nathan Trask, a junior majoring in liberal arts at the BGSU Firelands campus, said he saw the exhibit in its entirety and participated in protests following the administration’s decision to censor the sculpture. Trask said the exhibit wasn’t “overly impressive.”

“It was really more the social ramifications that were involved, the girl giving oral sex to a teacher and a few people committing suicide,” Trask said.

According to Trask, public institutions shouldn’t have the ability to censor art and the ramifications of BGSU censoring artwork reach far beyond Parlin’s sculpture.

“Institutions are supposed to further emotional and social and all sorts of learning, and to tamper with this side of learning, you cannot get the overall learning experience that you’re supposed to get from a state university,” Trask said. “People are careful what they say all the time; they’re careful what they write; they’re careful what they create in art classes because they don’t want all this outrage happening, and it really should be the opposite way.”

Tom Lingeman, an art professor at the University of Toledo, said the BGSU Firelands situation is “clearly” an example of censorship. Lingeman said he can’t be sure about anything specifically because he hasn’t personally seen the sculpture, however, “as far as [he] can tell there is a child sensitivity issue.”

Lingeman said he believes the BGSU administrators have to consider child sensitivity, but other choices could have been made to prevent closing the entire exhibit.

“If indeed the proximity of this to the involuntary viewing of children is a problem, then that needs to be considered,” Lingeman said. “In certain cases, censorship can protect those people who do not have the capability of accurately rationalizing what they see.”

According to Lingeman, the exhibit should have featured a warning label just as films or television shows feature parental guidance warnings.

“Censorship is practiced every day, and we don’t raise eyebrows about it all the time,” he said.

The exhibition policy at The Center for the Visual Arts in Toledo “promotes freedom of expression without restriction on content or form. The views expressed … are those of the exhibitors and may not be those of the department or the university.”

Lingeman said it is UT’s policy not to censor, and students are encouraged to freely express themselves through their artwork. In addition to encouraging UT students, Lingeman said he thinks Parlin should “make sculptures of whatever he wants and to show it. … However, the viewer should be warned that others have looked at the work and deemed it to be potentially … sexually explicit or violent.”

Sapp and BGSU administrators could not be reached for comments beyond the official news releases.

The infamous Linden Ave “crack house.”

Determined to fulfill the conventional narrative about drugs, dealers, and their places of residence, I ventured closer and inspected the door. I staggered backward as I drank in the mark of the devil — the circled upside down star symbol that identifies the haunts of satanists, anarchists, and angsty tweens on MySpace!

Look closely at the top of the door for the mark of the devil.

Horrified, but all the more entranced, I drew ever nearer, close enough now to read the notice posted on their door. Finally, my worst fears were confirmed: the 220-ish block of Linden Avenue plays host to not only goat-sacrificing black magacians but also to BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!

The cautionary tale consummated!

With no millisecond to spare, I collected myself and ran off, while my head swirled with dreams of blogging a cautionary tale of drugs, squalor, and lawlessness.

P.S.: Newsy narrative aside, all signs point to the fact that no drugs were found in the raid and that the “older townie junkies” (as some neighbors described him) either hid their shit really well or were merely casual consumers who’d just run out of smack. The Sun article notes that no arrests were made, and some lady at the investigations office of the Ithaca Police Department said that none have been made over the course of the week and no new information is available to the press. Maybe the Po found some paraphernalia that justified keeping 24/7 surveillance on the house? My take: Someone who didn’t like the “junkies” tipped off the IthPo, who jumped at the chance to break out their bad-ass SWAT-mobile. And can you really blame them? Oh, Po just-ta wanna have fun.

Oh hey Daily Pun.

On Arts Editor Ann Lui ‘10, who happens to be an architecture student:

It’s too aptly ironic to simply say that she brings down the house. But it’s true: Lui’s off the train.

Well-played, Daily Pun. This next one’s not quite pun material, but it illustrates my point about journos being alcoholics:

Chief flip-cup organizer Emily Cohn ‘10 will be in the big office, making big decisions. Her keen ability to not only induce people to play drinking games, but also to win, will serve her well as Editor in Chief.

E-Cohnz for the win! Another one that’s not a pun in the strictest sense, but that we adore anyway:

Cara Sprunk ‘10 coined the term [phrase, you mean?] “how fratty are you?” which has since inspired many a mixer. She also single-handedly made Juicy Campus popular, and she subsequently killed it. It must be because she’s from Ho-Ho-Kus.

Oh, fratty silliness and silly New Jersey towns. Lastly, on super-reporter/News Editor Venus Wu ‘10:

[She] revolves around The Sun.

If only for its effortless simplicity, I think that one’s my favorite. Pun on, Sun, or else I’ll start yearning for the “best ever” glory days of the 126th.

Get it? Clevah.

Apples and Peels Un-Cause Cancer: New CU research says it! Believe!

“Sick prank”: So saith an Ithaca Fire Lt. of a mannequin found facedown in the gorge. I say it’s kind of funny, in a horrible way?

Doctors Are Paid More than Presidents: “At Cornell, Dr. Zev Rosenwaks of the Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility received $3,149,376…” D-Skortz only made around $700k.

Cornell Dots Will Cure Cancer!: What exactly are these “C dots”? “The cluster of dye molecules in a single dot fluoresces under near-infrared light much more brightly than single dye molecules, and the fluorescence will identify malignant cells, showing a surgeon exactly what needs to be cut out and helping ensure that all malignant cells are found.”

Nominate Ur Fwendz: Do u no some1 who iz rly gud at there like orgunizashun? Nom’ them 4 a Student Organization Award or Recognition (SOAR! Far above!). Due Thurz.

“Budget Bondage”: Has the recession been cutting into your plan to one-up Goatse by utilizing expensive state-of-the-art anus-expanding instruments? Then this event is perfect for YOU.

Popular Gay Blog Covers Kiss-In: Towleroad, a supercool popular gay blog has applauded Cornell’s homo kiss-in on Ho(mo) Plaza. Take that, Review!

Hydraulics Lab Collapses: And no administrations even notice, as notes MetaEzra.

CWatch Quoted in a Sun op-ed: Thanks, Miz Witte! Also: I had my estemeed editor Peter Fritch check out my Gaza flags piece, and now it’s 100% error-free. Check it out.

Best Cornell-Related Correction Ever: After pointing out an error about A.D. White’s supposed publication of an article 50 years after his death, Trineesh Biswas further lashes his acid tongue against the author: “We can only hope that Mr. Mandelman’s gloomy prognostications about the futility of debt-fuelled fiscal stimulus will prove to be equally inaccurate.”

Hefty, possibly gay, probably Scottish.

Cookbooks Make You Fat: Says Brian Wansink, the professor who loves sending his press releases to the media. Also, foods like these make you fat.

Collegetown Council Proposal: Solid summary and analysis by the Ithacator.

Review blog discovers gay people kiss: And that they believe in this totally crazy idea that heterosexuality is normative. Crazy gays!

A Purposeful Ellipsis’d NYTimes Quotes: “Two decades ago a 23-year-old Cornell University graduate student brought the Internet to its knees…”

Cotton Candy Cure: It just might help labs grow tissue yay!

A New Low for Sun Blogs: “Allow me to preface this entry by letting the reader know that I am abroad in Scotland for the semester. Without that information, you may find yourself terribly lost. I have stepped outside of the culture I know all too well and revel in all too often, and have embarked on a journey to the birthplace of the bagpipe.”

Me and mah boy Pedro, cell phone pic-style.

Much respe’t for putting me and my homie Peter Fritch (edituh-in-chief, WHAT WHAT) on today’s list of “25 Awesome, under-the-radar Seniors @ Cornell.” And even more respe’t for dubbin’ us the “most ludicrously awesome non-Sun writers and editors.” Word. Y’all ain’t frontin’ when you say y’all “give credit when credit’s due.” Now let me just break it down for you. Let me break it down that I would normally make some joke like “Under the radar, Sun? Boy, you needs to get yo’ radar-measurin’ device ALL UP in the repair shop!” But I was thinkin’ about it and it’s high time to holla back, because, as much as I been a hater, y’all put together a fly-ass newspaper. Here’s three reasons why I love you in a crazy way:

1)  Your Stellar Daily News Coverage: It’s easy (and more fun!) to criticize an article about college kids having dogs. But praising the totally awesome reporting that the Sun puts out, day in, day out? That’s another story. Just today, there’s a riveting, superbly researched feature story about Ithaca’s homeless; as well as another informative, solidly researched feature on Cornell’s upcoming financial woes.

2) Sunnies Spend Their Lives in the Newsroom: Those two stellar articles I mentioned are hardly the least of it: while I’m out crooning Get Low at Rulloff’s Monday Karaoke (true story) or missing an entire week of classes (truer story), the Sunnies are down at 139 W. State St. slaving away. Especially the editorial staff and especially especially managing editor Sarah Singer.

3) I Get Very Cranky Without My Daily Sudoku Fix: Need I say more?

When you guys are hot shit in the big city, holla back atcha boy, will ya?

<3,

Hotnasty-E

P.S. I ain’t got no hyperlink to the list because they ain’t no list on they Web site yet. Blog it like it’s hot, Sun.

Sarah Katherine Lewis, prostitute/porn actress.

The event, called “Sex and Bacon” after speaker Sarah Katherine Lewis’s new book of the same name, found the plus-size prostitute/porn star narrating two of her amusing stories and engaging in some hot Q&A action. A real live microcelebrity! At Cornell! Still, “Anal Sex 101″ motivated College Republicans  to idiotically dry-hump one another doggie-style and make placards demanding “PAY FOR YOUR OWN ANAL EDUCATION.” Instead, we were treated to the “mystery” of Baby Ruth Man — a pervy patron of Butterscotch’s Live Lingerie Tanning who inexplicably enjoyed masturbating into a washcloth (no touching!) while Lewis and her ilk consumed Baby Ruth candy bars suggestively. Lewis’s writing is elegantly hilarious, particularly when microwaving the candy bar elicits the climactic realization:

No. Fucking. Way. But yes, the mystery of Baby Ruth Man had suddenly become completely clear to me… the melted Baby Ruth’s resemblance to fecal matter was undeniable… The size and shape of the bar suddenly made sense… only Baby Ruth was organically round and bumpy. The peanuts added a touch of realism. Baby Ruth Man was paying us to eat shit.”

Well shit. Anyway, the stories were good, except reading pre-prepared material is by its nature not terribly audience-engaging. The Q&A got a little better — especially because Lewis wrote her cell phone number on the board and encouraged texting in queries. As a sex worker, this gal is definitely an anomaly in ways besides her (only moderately buxom) weight. Her views on objectification of women in porn:

The sex industry objectifies everyone. It teaches us that erotic affection is something you can do for pay, which I think is just essentially flawed… instead of actually making themselves into a person that’s able to receive honest affection, people just take a short-cut and receive ersatz affection.

For a gal who spent a large chunk of her adult life — it’s been twelve years since her fateful foray into Butterscotch’s — using sex work as a way to inspire and fund her true passion of writing, this view might seem a bit unforgiving. But hey, as she announced at the event: she just got engaged to her “partner.” (It’s a he.) This might just be the most conservative you’re allowed to be in the sex industry. But, damn, where’s the anal sexy fun in that?

PS: A note to the CWRC: when one makes a commitment to providing “aphrodisiacs” at one’s event, it might be wise to avoid including Bagel Bites. We realize that middle school slumber parties were rife with sexual tension, but we’d rather not be reminded of that one time Sally Voorhees neared me, her pizza breath increasingly pungent, cheesy saliva crescendoing into cascades of… wait, sorry, I think Lewis is rubbing off on me.