IC VS. CU: The Official Ivy Imbibin’ Game
00:59: DOUBLE-POPPED COLLAR AND AVIATORS. We understand the point is to take the stereotype to a whole ‘nother LEVEL but this is the stuff of Preppy-themed parties. IC!
2:06: A pledge talking back? No way in hell. He would just silently stop attending events like a REAL man. Plus, that kid looks like a guy I used to buy pot from on the commons. IC!
2:25: OMFG, are his wannabe mutton chops dyed green? IC!
2:35: Leprechaun mutton chops boy just (inexplicably) took the SOCKS POSING AS FAKE MUSCLES out of his shirt and threw them (limpwristedly) at the popped collar douche! Any self-respecting bro would know you can buy real fake muscles on the internets. IC!
3:55: A real Cornell ho would passive-aggressively text her friend about abandoning her at the party last night instead of confronting her in the flesh. IC!
4:10: Oh-so-studious Emily was shitfaced by 11:30 and cheated on her boyfriend with a pre-law student whose name she remembers, in a car whose color and brand she remembers. Where is her hangover and fuzzy memory? But! She is probably lying about being so drunk and using it as an excuse to be a slut, which is totally Cornell. Finally, a CU!
4:40: Amanda, who’s supposed to be the sorority-bound JAP in love with Uggs, would/should know how to talk to boys more than study-hoggy money-grubbing Emily. IC!
5:10: No fucking way: Chris is all-of-a-sudden going French artiste circa Montmartre and wearing a beret and working on his painting project. At least the beret’s almost Cornell red, though, so we’ll give points for (idiotic) consistency… CU!
5:25: The EMTs couldn’t tell if someone had a concussion? CUEMS does a way better job than that, despite the fact that their speciality is stomach pumps. IC!
6:25: The most realistic thing we’ve seen thus far: a pledge being called to be his Big Brother’s bitch. CU!
7:10: Douche Big Brother Bradley has stripped to one polo, with the collar in the cutting-edge half-pop position. More realism! Go CU!
8:00: I can’t understand a word Lex is saying… if anyone can, decide for yourself whether to IC or CU.
8:30: Keith just said “[Earplugs] reduce the voluminousness of the audio with the frequency of loud.” Whether the pretentiousness works or not is up to you, but we’ve recently been told that his accent is REAL. (He’s from Zimbabwe where there are British people or something.) Drink to this discovery: CU!
10:45: Love Lex’s purple hazing costume and Emily’s jab at him for being “Captain Trust Fund.” I can see them as asshole Cornell kids. CU!
11:50: A cheating girl wouldn’t be so obvious about her cheating. Unless she’s going to be caught in the act by Chris! I guess Cornellians are pretty predictable, though, so CU!
12:05: Emily is wearing a keffiyeh, which is so hipster trend pre-Rachael Ray Dunkin Donuts Debacle. What is her character supposed to be? Why is she not the sorostitute-type Ugg-wearer? IC!
12:40: Finally, the Ugg-wearer in her natural habitat, drunkenness. CU!
13:25: Emily and Amanda should’ve made out while dancing there to achieve true slut status. IC!
13:35: The way the camera pans in and out and in and out and in calls to my mind very familiar times at frat parties. Whirl around a few times and CU!
14:40: I wish Amanda was grasping onto something for support and that she were more consistently shwastyface (slurring, not making sense, etc.). At Cornell, we get drunk and stay drunk. IC!
16:05: Wow, Amanda’s done already? Quick trick. Anyway, replay “I need a driiiiiink” and WATCH HER FACE. Each time you repeat, CU!
16:30: God, again: Cheating. Girls. Are. Not. This. Retarded. At least not at Cornell. PS-Die, keffiyeh, die. IC!
17:15: My god. Amanda’s scream. Priceless. Replay this one and CU as necessary. Yeah, these have nothing to do with trueness to Cornell but my recycled Pom glass of Sangria is GONE and they’re fun.
18:00: So when does Chris transfer to IC? Just sayin’. Take half an IC, cause that’s what he is right now.
18:25: Lex is crying over Chris de-pledging… very homoerotic, just like regular frat boy activities. CU!
18:50: Why didn’t Chris tap the rebound hit on Nats? Make it happen already. Oh, and we’ll CU next week, har har har. One last note: even if you’re playing on your own terms, you could use the totals below to proportion your drinks responsibly, though it’s probably more fun if you didn’t.

Total
IC: 11.5
CU: 12+

1) The A Cappell’A-Hole: Since the start of The Office’s 5-season run, former “Here Comes Treble” member Andy Bernard has continually been vilified for invoking his Cornell education as a sign of his superiority over his less prestigiously educated co-workers. But hey: what 8 to 12 close friends do you plan on getting together with and TOTALLY OWNING at Ruloff’s Monday Karaoke?

2) The Prissy Bitch: Ivy producer Ed Pietzak calls Emily “the one pretentious girl who causes all the drama.” Without her, the show wouldn’t go on! And there’s really nothing wrong with being a manipulative gold-digger who calls art majors “weird” and only likes her boyfriend because she thinks he’s going to be a rich doctor anyway. Someday, she’s gonna be on Real Housewives of New York while you sit in your janky cubicle and curse the day your underpaid ass declared the philosophy major.

3) The Overprivileged Frat-tard: Legacies, take note: Your father may not necessarily be the “CEO of a moderately well-known Fortune 500 company” like Lex’s over here, but not to worry: nobody judges in your fraternity… unless, of course, he’s presiding over whether Theta or Kappa has bigger sluts. Yeah, you might find such a debate “sexist,” but healthy banter unifies old money and new money alike — ain’t brotherhood sweet, man?

4) The Unfortunate Aggie: While we never do find out where (or if) Dwight Kurt Schrute III went to school, we figure the proprietor of the “number one beet-related agrotourism destination in Northeastern Pennsylvania” would have been right at home in the Ag School. If you’re still doubtful, know that Dwight is well-informed on CALS’ history: “Without [Cornell's] agricultural program we probably wouldn’t have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.” If people call you a backwoods hick, let them know you attended the school that produced the best coleslaw you’ve ever tasted.

5) The North Face and Uggs Ho: When confronted with the hard reality that other brands of winter wear exist, Amanda has the courage to insist that “these are the brands that everyone wears, so that means they’re the best.” Don’t be a pussy and tell your friends that, yes, they’re ugly and unfashionable BUT SO SO COMFORTABLE. Do Long Island proud by standing firmly in solidarity concerning the superiority of the North Face and Uggs, and, while you’re lookin’ fine with your new super-soft bunny fleece and your bitchin’ new baby seal-skin galoshes, why not get laid?

6)  The Pretentious Foreigner: If you’re from a different country, people have to like you, no matter how much of a elitist prick you are! Because you’re a novelty! Take “international student” Keith: despite being a complete idiot (he mispronounces “infamous” and reacts to correction with a BS etymology), Keith  seems to have friends who put up with him. And his fake accent sucks, so if you’ve got a real-life one: think of the heights of superiority you could reach!

7) The Artsy-Fartsy Kid: Natalie just transferred to Cornell’s art program. Nats is the voice of reason among a storm of self-absorbed Cornellians: she’s the one who corrects Keith about the pronunciation of “infamous,” questions Amanda’s brand fascism, and gives Lex exasperated looks. You, like Natalie, might be living at home after you graduate. But at least for now you have super-cute bangs.

8 ) The Lost Soul: At lunch with his girlfriend, Chris can’t summon up the balls to tell his girlfriend (Prissy Bitch Emily) something important that’s been on his mind. After she abruptly departs (leaving him to foot the bill), Chris addresses the camera in a dramatic soliloquy: “There was something I wanted to tell you. I don’t want to be a doctor anymore.” (Vom.) Chris is the character we’re supposed to like: sensitive (he almost took an art class once!), caring (he loves his girlfriend even after his friends point out that she’s a jealous bitch), and cute (in a goofy way). Unfortunately, nothing good can be said if you indentify as the Lost Soul: you are a push-over and, unfortunately, need to sprout a pair. We can only hope that Ivy will have Chris follow this path by ditching Emily (hopefully on his own accord and not because she banged Lex or Keith) and banging Natalie in the art studio. Then he’ll be the Awesome Guy Who’s Kind of a Pimp but That Everybody Still Loves.