CornellWatch » in brief

Follow me on Twitter!

D. Evan Mulvihill — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:54:04 +0000

Hey y’all! I’m allll up in the Twittertubes right now (username: CornellWatch), tweeting up a STORM. Sort of. My first tweet was an intro, and my second was about how the inner workings of our HTML are unraveling before our very eyes — help? Click here and follow me!

Pussycat Dolls’ Agents Tip Off Daily Sun about Their Slope Day Performance

D. Evan Mulvihill — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:46:14 +0000

The Sun reported at 4pm today that the Pussycat Dolls will be performing for Slope Day, presumably as the front runners. This is pretty sweet in terms of the “pop factor,” considering that last year’s main act “Gym Class Heroes” wasn’t exactly the biggest name. It is comparable, however, to 2007’s T.I., 2005’s Snoop Dogg, and 2004’s Kanye West. Anyway, what I want to know is who (a Cornell alum?) at the William Morris Agency decided to tip off the Sun. Also, whether the Slope Day Programming Board, which guards its picks very secretly, is pissed the eff off. Let me know at watch@kitschmag.com.

ADDENDUM: So, according to an anonymous source who asked not to be named, it looks as if the Dolls’ agents merely “confirmed [their] precognition” that they’d be headlining Slope Day. Precognition being that a student (who’s probably an E-Board member on the Slope Day Programming Board or at least having sex with one) tipped off a wily editor, who then called the William Morris Agency to “pretend to book an event on the same day as slope day. to which the contact replied ‘They’re booked in ithaca’ or something of the like.” That’s a helluv clever way to confirm a rumor. Kudos to y’all, Daily Punners. Sorry I was rude. The anonymous source added: “Power of the press baby.”

Sinful Gays Sodomize Entire Page of Daily Sun

D. Evan Mulvihill — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 01:44:29 +0000

HOT OFF THE PRESSES: The Daily Sun made a landmark move today in deciding to print the columns of two writers known to be flamingly gay on the same exact page. It is unclear whether the publication itself was a heartwarming act of tolerance toward God-forsaken faggots or if the faggots in question, by some mischevious act such as they are wont to engage in, highjacked the electronic and mechanical methods by which the Sun normally engages in printing its newspaper thing. In any case, John-David Brown discussed his sinful acts of sodomy at length in his column, a column that was a narcissistic, self-indulgent litany of ” ‘interesting’ tidbits about [himself].” The one I speak of is number 13, a number known to be in violation of God’s Code because of the pagan belief that it is bad luck: “I have a premature ejactulation problem when I’m on Adderal or trying to be on top. Did you know that about me? I think not.” Did you know that I didn’t want to know that? I think so. And Peter Fritch’s column was equally, if not more, blasphemous:

Fritch, who has publicly acknowledged the fact enjoys being a Sodomite in a godless article about fag hags, scrawled a screed decrying the fact that his pet extracurricular activity, a rag called Kitsch magazine that must clearly have taken time away from praying to God to start talking to us again, was not funded by the SAFC. He even made a snippy comment: “The SAFC does indeed do an astounding job addressing [their mission of quality of life for students], establishing a punitive system that makes Guantanamo Bay look like Aspen.” You know what both of those cities look like to me? SODOM. In any case, it’s clear the pair of them should be sent to Camp Pray the Gay Away, a fine program that has successfully deprogrammed a number of these fabulous robot people that New Yorkers call “The Gays.”

Also: I am the Gay Best Friend in question and I have been told that there is a crucial point of misunderstanding in Number 22: “I’ve slept in bed with my gay best friend numerous times, but we’ve never done anything. Except for early on in our friendship when I forefully mouth-raped him.” The instrument of violation is currently in question, and I must say that by the crude term “mouth-rape” he actually meant “make-out-raped” me. What occurred was that he beseeched me to make out with him for a good five minutes, after which point I begrudgingly complied. Burn in hell, JD. And you too, Peter.

Unsatisfied with Pimping Only Cornell’s Females, Luda Brings Bawd Friend Along

D. Evan Mulvihill — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:25:48 +0000

You might recall that Ludacris’s pilgrimage to Cornell came at a price: the purity of our women. Well now the wily bastard has taken it one step further and decided to pimp our men too–and the offending bawd (a term I use with the most due of respect) is his boo Shawnna, a sort of Eve/Lil Kim clone who actually spits some pretty hot rapid-fire shit. If you want to get an idea of her personality, think Ludacris with a sex change and a lifetime supply of cheap lip gloss. Check Luda and Shawnna out in this video of their collaboration “Shake Dat Shit” below.

Luda To Single-Handedly Pimp Campus’s Entire Female Population in February

D. Evan Mulvihill — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:48:03 +0000

It’s official: ALANA (African Latin Asian Native American) Programming Board, along with the CCC and some other acronym thing caled MCFAB, has somehow gotten Ludacris to come to East Hill come February 28, 2009. Over a thousand people are attending on Facebook already! But it came at a price: For this one night, every girl on campus will be magically transofrmed into a pole-dancin’, dirty-grindin’, sexaholic prosty-ho. And it was totally worth it for the newly redeemed party organizer people–after Howie Mandel and Bill Maher kind of tanked, we need this, even at the expense of our women’s purity.