Ann Coulter: One of the Many Reasons I Hate Connecticut

D. Evan Mulvihill — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 01:15:34 +0000

Being from the lamest borough in New York City (Staten Island, in case you’re from Minnesota), I always took solace in the fact that there were far lamer regions nearby, with which my island could compete and (hopefully) come out on top. There’s the epic battle waged between the people from my ‘hood (my Irish people’s and the Italians’) and Long Island (the Jews’), a battle in which the points of contention were based on the same embarrassing features: annoying accents, materialism amongst its consumer sheeple residents, lack of subway access to Manhattan. With a landfill so massive you can see it from outer space, the battle arguably resulted in Long Island’s favor. Nevertheless, we always had Jersey to agree upon, elevating our geographic (and therefore cultural) superiority. While at Cornell, however, I learned of a strange hilly region directly to the northeast of New York City, a place where, in 1961, some sorry resident emptied her vaginal cavity of one Ann Hart Coulter — our most embarrassing alumna who recently claimed that the Ag School is not a part of the Ivy League.

Okay, oops. Ann Coulter was born in New York City and then her family moved to New Canaan, Connecticut. My point remains, though, that Coulter has helped me out in developing an intense and irrational hatred of a state that has never really wronged me in any substantial way.

Listed in order of increasing competence, outlets NY Mag, IvyGate, and MetaEzra have commented on Coulter’s claim that the Ag School is a “Plastic Ivy,” a claim launched in order to devalue fellow alum Keith Olbermann’s “plastic” degree. Since it’s all been said before, we’ll just say that squabbling over whether or not a school can be considered part of a group that is, essentially, an ATHLETIC CONFERENCE is elitist, polarizing, and therefore typical of political discourse nowadays.

Back to the top 10 reasons I hate Connecticut:

1) It created Ann Coulter.

2) It has the highest per capita GDP of any state.

3) Its motto is “Full of Surprises.”

4) Yale is there and has a way better gay scene than Cornell, even though it’s WAY smaller. Whatever. I’m not bitter. New Haven’s a crime-y, rape-y, shithole anyway.

5) It’s full of boring WASPs who stole New York City’s money from immigrants like my great-great-grandma Ida Bowes. At least we immigrant ethnics are brash, loud, annoying, and serve calorically loaded items other than booze at parties.

6) It’s called the Nutmeg State and NOBODY KNOWS WHY. Also, nutmeg is an altogether pedestrian spice.

7) I thought that the etymology of its name came from the “connecting (short) cut” between New York City and Boston. The Connect-I-Cut! But instead it’s just some Native American word for “place of long tidal river.” Pfffff.

8) We always got stuck in traffic there for HOURS when we were going to visit our cousins on Cape Cod, meaning it makes me think of being trapped listening to Sheryl Crow CD’s on repeat, while the stench of Aunt Susan’s farts grew ever more putrid.

9) An old guy got hit by a car in soulless insurance capital Hartford (one of my Top 10 American Cities, deffo) and nobody helped a brotha out.

10) Do I really need a tenth reason to hate a vast affluent wasteland? Okay, fine, for all y’all Clueless fans: They’re virgins who can’t drive.

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Ann Coulter: One of the Many Reasons I Hate Connecticut