CornellWatch

This morning, the Undergraduate Student Elections began, and, with online voting continuing until Thursday morning, you probably want to spend every waking minute contemplating what candidate will serve you best — especially considering that this is the first time that the student body at large has been privileged enough to directly elect the S.A. President and Vice President. The best candidate will be humbly intelligent, modestly eloquent, and — most important of all — wildly popular. Just to make sure your vote “counts,” why not rank the candidates based on how popular they are on Facebook? The problem that this wily blogger par excellence encountered was that almost all of the candidates were wise enough to protect their profiles, so I couldn’t access the total number of friends they had in the Cornell network. Luckily, you can still see how many mutual friends you have in common, so the game is simple:

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If you hadn’t heard about JuicyCampus.com before now, then I am glad to supply the gossip sewer with a few more chortling rats. If you have, chances are you have also heard the insistent cries for its prohibition.

Among them is current S.A. president C. J. Slicklen ’09, who was quoted in the hyperlinked article as saying, “If we don’t get on there it will die.” Ironic that the supplier of such a news byte is in fact the most “on there” of any Cornell student, being the titular topic of the “Most Discussed” post (45 as of now) on our personal Juicy satellite.

The body of the post reads:

“HAS THE BIGGEST PENIS I´VE EVER SEEN!!! and he gives AMAZING oral. i´m not even fucking kidding, this guy is unbelievable…

i had to let the cat out of the bag.”

A riotous discussion ensued, with such gems as “IM GONNA CALL BULLSIHT,,TRIED TO HAVE 3SOME W HIM BEFORE HE FREAKED OUT AND LEFT ROOM…….PUSSY” and “one time at CTB i saw [former S.A. president] Elan crawling on his hands and knees with a ball gag and a dog mask…and CJ was holding the leash!!”

With nearly 5,000 views, it is less surprising that two of the replies mentioned that they overheard coeds actually gossiping out loud in Libe and in Trillium about this specific post, which makes me conclude: all the JuicyCampus-is-evil rhetoric of the S.A. and Class Councils will only further popularize the site: Juicy wants any and all publicity, good or bad.

What’ll happen in the coming months? Vince Hartman, President of the Class of 2008, told me that he believes JuicyCampus may cause slandered students to commit suicide. It’s a stretch, but maybe—and if it does, the law will probably act. Unfortunately, it will probably take a gossipee’s plummet to gorge bottom to stop the sensationalist site, but until then… gossip on, impending trainwreck!